From our annual Literary Issue, published Dec. 25, 2019, featuring original compositions and illustrations from local writers and artists.

1. “What we really need is a new wrought-iron fence around the football stadium. Oh, and more luxury suites. Gotta have those.”

2. “My favorite tradition? Well, it’s obvious: When they play ‘Crazy Train’ over the stadium loudspeakers. Or ‘Welcome to the Jungle.’ I always get those two confused.”

3. “Now that they’ve moved the student section to the upper deck, we can really drive the opposing team crazy.”

4. “The dill really ties this lobster roll together.”

5. “Damn straight I’m going to Sure Value Hardware for all my home improvement needs.”

6. “I’m so glad our head coach left us mid-season for a gig on ESPN.”

7. “I was a pretty good ball player in high school, but I hurt my knee in the off season. Otherwise, I would’ve made 1400 on my SATs.”

8. “This sun stroke is awesome.”

9. “Here’s the thing: if you start giving the alumni association $200 a year as soon as you graduate, in five or six years you’ll be able to score season tickets above the student section. I know, sweeeeet.”

10. “Hell yeah, ‘Crazy Train.'”

11. “This wave is never to stop.”

12. “Yes, officer, that is my mini-bottle.”

13. “I change my mind about luxury suites. Can we renovate the club room instead?”

14. “On second thought, I don’t think it was the dill. I haven’t washed my hands since I used the porta-potty. Wanna bite?”

Chris Haire is the former editor of Charleston City Paper currently living in Greenville, S.C.

Timothy Banks is a local artist responsible for the Monsters In Charleston book. Find his work on instagram and at