Unrelated Weapons O’ the Week:

Two potted plants and a high-heel shoe.

A woman was leaving a downtown bar on May 31 when she found that someone had scratched up her fiance’s car. There was “Bitch Ass Niggaz” on the hood, “Bitch” on the driver’s side door, “Fuck U” on the rear driver side, and “Asshole” on the passenger side door. She believes it was a case of mistaken identity. We believe it’s a brand new direction for Pimp My Ride.

Taking “licking the envelope” to a whole new level, a man being chased after an undercover raid took envelopes of heroin and stuffed them in his mouth. Once apprehended, the man had to be taken to the hospital, where he spit out the chewed up envelopes and claimed he “ate the heroin.”

A man was working out in the gym of a downtown hotel when eight to ten boys came in and began horsing around on the equipment. The man left to notify security and returned to his workout. When he told one of the boys that he had contacted security, the kid punched him in the face. The kids fled and the man chased after them until another boy punched him from behind. No word on if this was just supposed to be part of some new boxing workout routine.

A local church deacon called the cops when a man showed up an hour before the church was supposed to open, sat in a pew, and refused to leave. The police told the man they were taking him to jail, to which he replied that he had nowhere else to go, so he might as well go to jail. Ah, sanctuary.

Police responding to a car accident on June 2 noticed that one of the drivers seemed intoxicated. He failed the alphabet test and when police asked for his phone number, he told them, “559-54310.” When the officer told him that there was an extra number there, the man responded, “I don’t know my phone number. I don’t call myself, you know.” The officer informed him that he was going to be arrested for DUI, and the man said, “Just because I had four or five beers at seven o’clock don’t mean I’m drunk. You’re discriminating against me cause I’m real tall and got long hair.” The report notes that the man then laughed so hard at himself that he almost fell over.

Drunk Threat O’ the Week:

“I’m no drunker than anyone else at this party, and if you don’t let me go, you’ll all be in fucking trouble.”

A man reported that he had gotten in an argument with his neighbor, who was upset about the man’s dog shitting in his yard. He said the neighbor threatened, “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of that dog.” The next day, the man says he found his dog in his garage chewing on a piece of rubber with screws, nails, and wires embedded in it. We figure the store was low on antifreeze.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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