Assault Weapon O’ The Week:

A TV dinner.

A quarter pounder that wasn’t prepared right led to a fight between two family members. No word on if the unwanted garnishes were used as a weapon, but we’ve got our fingers crossed.

Items Stolen This Week: Two iPods, two laptops, two bikes, and six GPS units.

According to a police report, a victim of a moped theft told police he was looking to buy some weed when a guy offered to go get him some if he let the guy borrow his moped. The victim agreed and hasn’t seen the guy, the moped, or the promised weed since. Who can you trust if not the drug dealer you just met?

Drunk Test O’ The Week: “87, 87, 76, 75, 74, 73, 72, 71, 70, 69, 68, (an approximately 10 second pause) 68, 67, 65, 64, 63, 63, 62, 61.”

A West Ashley bar patron was boasting about being a Green Beret before he allegedly injured another man’s wrist when the man tried to shake the vet’s hand. Ouch. Next time, we’ll just salute.

Threat O’ The Week: “You are on my bad side now and you’re gonna regret it bitch.”

A man claimed he was threatened when he asked a guy to move his car from the victim’s reserved parking space downtown. The driver allegedly told the man that he would “take his knees away from him.” Just when you thought the Saw franchise had run out of ideas …

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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