Blotter O’ The Week:

A concerned neighbor contacted police when a man wearing just his underwear jumped a fence and crawled into a window next door. Found asleep, the allegedly drunk man told officers he was just looking for a place to stay for the night. There was no mention of where his clothes went off to.

A man pulled over for suspected DUI told officers, “I’m not drunk!” He successfully recited his entire ABCs, which likely would have prevented his arrest, had the officers not asked him to begin with the letter D and end at R.

Officers asked a man found asleep on a downtown street corner if he knew where he was. The man replied, “California.” We’d joke that he was probably lying under a Palmetto tree, but it’s just too easy — and probably right.

Items stolen this week: Five GPS units and four bikes

A West Ashley bank robber handed a note to the teller that read, “Don’t blame me. Blame Uncle Sam for not taking care of us veterans!” Right now, we’re blaming Uncle Sam for giving this guy combat training.

An officer was doing a pat down of a nervous subject near a downtown grocery store when he felt “multiple hard plastic objects” in the man’s left pant leg. The man told the officer that was “his goods.” It turned out to be eight bottles of Dove body wash. “I stole them,” the man finally said, according to the report. “There is no point in lying. That would just make me a thief and a liar.”

A woman reported that her ex-husband poured a gallon of chlorine bleach on her bed, then left. And to think we get in trouble when we don’t help with the laundry.

A car owner reported that a woman had poured sugar into her gas tank. The vandal left a note reading, “I warned you on several occasions. Have a blessed day.”

Threat O’ The Week: “You will forever regret the day you answered this phone.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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