BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A heavy sleeper recently told police that her purse had been stolen. She believes she took the purse outside while she was sleepwalking, left it on the sidewalk, and returned to bed.

Arrested previously for disorderly conduct at a downtown bar, a former patron allegedly kept calling the establishment and making scandalous accusations. In the first two calls, he said that his girlfriend/fiancée had been raped in the bar. In the next call, he accused bar staff of “attacking” his dog. When instructed not to call back, he told a bartender to “just start looking for another job because I am going to bring you down.” We had the same kind of misplaced anger when our favorite watering hole stopped selling Zima.

Items Stolen This Week: Seven bikes, four GPS units, two iPods, and a laptop

A downtown homeowner contacted police when he found two young men in his yard. After telling the two that he had phoned the police, one of them allegedly tried to hit him with a moped. The homeowner pulled the driver off the bike and a physical struggle ensued. What? No conveniently placed folding chair?

An unknown thief carelessly left his crowbar behind when he broke into a downtown storage shed. But he took six concrete saws, three chain saws, and one ax, so we’re pretty sure he’s got tools for the next heist.

Stopped for reckless driving, a man told police that he hadn’t had anything to drink. Officers then noticed an open beer can sitting, ironically, inside a Yoo-Hoo box. “I know I told you I didn’t have anything to drink tonight, but I had a couple,” he said.

A man was arrested for impersonating a police officer after he made a traffic stop and pulled the driver out of his vehicle, frisked him, and threatened to send him to jail. When real officers apprehended the faker, they reported finding several law enforcement tools in his car, including handcuffs, a large black flashlight, an official police jacket, a pair of black gloves, a large black cane, and — our favorite — “a hand-held police-style fake radio.” Surprisingly, no doughnuts were found at the scene.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

Stay cool. Support City Paper.

City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.