BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Early one morning last week, officers chased a naked man through the woods who said he was a Christian and could explain his nudity. His girlfriend later told officers that he had been babbling earlier in the night, talking about how the dog was Satan and he had cracked the Bible code. We can’t attest to that, but, from his appearance, we’d say he’s cracked the first chapter of Genesis.

Items Stolen This Week: Seven iPods, six bikes, 10 GPS units, and two laptops

Quote O’ The Week: A burglary victim told officers, “When I left, the door had door knobs.”

A mother frustrated with her son for not doing his homework went out into the yard to find a switch to scare him with. The boy took a “large branch” of his own, threw it at his mom, and ran.

A driver phoned police when the passenger in a passing car mooned him, yelling that all he saw was the subject’s “pale ass!”

Long-Distance Threat O’ The Week: “I am closer than you think to Charleston.”

Find O’ The Week: Officers patrolling Beaufain Street found an untapped Miller High Life keg.

A woman charged with driving under the influence told officers that she was weaving between lanes in an attempt to control her dog, which was sitting in the passenger seat. These kinds of mistakes were destined to happen when The Dog Whisperer went into reruns.

A man arrested for driving under the influence asked the officer if he could turn the radio on in the patrol car. “Turn the music up so I can at least enjoy this while I’m back here.” Yeah, and where’s the mini-bar in this thing? And the jacuzzi?

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