BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: After an alarm went off, a downtown business owner and an officer found a pair of flip flops, a set of brass knuckles, and a small puddle of vomit in the parking garage. We didn’t realize they were shooting Real Housewives in Charleston.

A woman believes that her soon-to-be-ex-husband accidentally sent her the following text message — twice: “I swear to God, if that cunt doesn’t give my daughter the phone, I’m sending a knee-breaker after her.”

Threat O’ The Week: “I should get insurance on you and kill your ass.”

Responding to a disorderly conduct call from a downtown bar, police found a man on a City Market table, acting like he was surfing. To be fair, if there’s one thing that tourist trap is missing, it’s a wave pool.

Tip Jars Stolen This Week: Two

A man in swim trunks and a woman in bikini bottoms and a T-shirt allegedly attempted to steal a city golf cart from the downtown marina. The eventually abandoned it, likely realizing it wouldn’t make it to Argentina.

One DUI suspect told police that the test where you count backwards was too difficult, complaining, “No one can do this test.” In an unrelated incident, a driver told officers, “I suck at that one. I totally always go too far.”

Items Stolen This Week: Five bikes, three iPods, a GPS unit, a fishing pole, and a trombone.

Police charged a downtown woman with assault after she allegedly threw “cleaning solution” on her ex-boyfriend as he was moving his stuff out of their apartment. Evidence at the scene included a detergent cup. After watching “Two Girls, One Cup,” he’s lucky it was cleaning solution.

Claiming he had been abducted by unknown individuals and had no idea of how he got where he was found, a man charged with public drunkenness reportedly “howled loudly” as officers put him in the patrol car. We may not know exactly what happened until the next full moon.

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