BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A man says his neighbor stole the mailbox from his front porch and then covertly replaced it four days later. He thinks the neighbor might have gone postal.

Police found a red plastic cup containing a clear liquid that smelled like alcohol in a woman’s car. Her explanation? Leftover champagne from New Year’s.

A woman returned home one day to find that her bedroom safe had been stolen. Its contents? $1,500 in cash, a diamond ring, several credit cards, and a veritable arsenal consisting of four pistols, two rifles, and two shotguns. She is now presumably defenseless in the event of zombie apocalypse or Russian invasion.

Dis o’ the Week: “You ain’t shit on the stick.”

Somebody shoplifted two cases of beer from a convenience store and rode off on a bicycle. He gets bonus points for the balancing act.

After waiting for what she felt was far too long for a fast food employee to complete her order, a woman took her milkshake and threw it at the employee’s forehead. The employee circled around the counter, grabbed the customer by the hair, and threw her to the ground. No cheeseburgers were harmed.

From a crime report about a trespassing incident: “It was further identified that the two have had prior discrepancies involving ‘lovers’ quarrels.’ This incident was in response to the offender’s ‘baby’s mother’ speaking ill of the victim.” Gotta love that dry cop-speak.

While in the back seat of a police cruiser, a man tried to convince his friend to “take the rap for me” on a cocaine charge. Police could hear him.

Crime Ring o’ the Week: Somebody broke into an apartment and stole a $3,500 signet ring.

A man called police to report that someone had broken into his apartment and stolen two televisions. While detectives searched the apartment for clues, they found a razor in plain view in an open dresser drawer with cocaine and Xanax residue on it. Dude got busted.

An officer shined his flashlight on a man standing beside the trash cans outside a downtown business and asked what he was doing. He replied, “I’m just pissin’.”

Overreaction o’ the Week: In a bar fight, a man walked out to his truck, grabbed a pistol, and shot out a tire on his opponent’s car.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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