Blotter o’ the Week: When a restaurant employee caught a man trying to break in through the back door after closing time, the busted intruder told police a few conflicting stories. According to the incident report, “The offender stated that he did not know why he was there, then he said he was waiting on someone, then he said he was making out with a girl.” No girls were found on the scene.

DUI Drink Count o’ the Week: Four beers and a Fireball shot, for a blood alcohol content of 0.1 percent.

A man used the telephone in a gas station to dial 911 and hang up twice. When police arrived on the scene, the dialer mumbled something the officer couldn’t understand and was arrested on a charge of public intoxication.

When a cop asked a clearly drunk man why he was sitting on the steps of a Presbyterian church, the man said he had permission from the rabbi to sit there.

A woman lost a $900 ring she was wearing during a night on the town and suspects it was stolen by a fellow student who has “a history of stealing things.” She says the classmate might have slipped the ring off her finger while they were holding hands that night.

Shoplifting Haul o’ the Week: Two packages of T-bone steaks, two packages of ribeye steaks, and a package of hamburger meat, all stuffed inside a jacket.

Buzzkill o’ the Week: Somebody stole a bottle of wine and a cooler full of beer from the backyard of a couple who were about to go out on their boat.

While yelling at a bicyclist to learn the traffic laws, a man in a Jeep hit the bike’s rear tire, causing the bicyclist to lose control and hit a car.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: Two GPS units, an iPod, a wallet, a cell phone, $200 in cash, a debit card, a credit card, a driver’s license, a gun holster, and a loaded pistol with a laser sight.

Somebody stole 23 designer and fashion watches from a purse inside a woman’s closet. What’s that old saying about a man with 23 watches never knowing what time it is?

After driving alongside his ex-girlfriend and trying to run her off the road, a man led police on a high-speed chase, abandoned his vehicle, and took off running through several people’s backyards, eventually escaping police. Ferris Bueller: Inspiring criminals’ getaway plans since 1986.

A man says his girlfriend bit him on the arm and poured olive oil on his head and upper torso.

Around 4 a.m., police responded to a call about an apparently unoccupied vehicle rolling south on East Bay Street. An officer found two drunk people asleep inside the car and a third out on the sidewalk. All three received citations for public intoxication.

While a woman was watching basketball on TV with her boyfriend, an ex-boyfriend allegedly threw a cinder block through the bedroom window, climbed inside, pulled the fan from the ceiling, climbed back outside, and threw an open can of red paint into the bedroom.

Surveillance cameras caught a man shoplifting a $10 headlight bulb from an auto parts store. Not the brightest thief in the box, this one.

Weapon o’ the Week: A Swiffer duster.

A man tried to shoplift 15 pairs of jeans from a department store by stuffing them into a shopping bag. When security officers confronted him about it, he dropped the denim and ran.

A clearly drunk man jumped on the hood of a woman’s car, grabbed the windshield wipers, jumped off, and kicked two dents in the passenger side as she drove away.

Police arrived at the scene of a strip club where a man had gotten into an argument, peed his pants, and started acting generally belligerent. When the officers asked him to lower his voice, the man refused and said, “I’m going to have this all over the news, and you’re going to jail.” Well, here it is, all over the news. The man was arrested on a charge of disorderly conduct.

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