Awesome Moped Description o’ the Week: A man described his stolen moped to police as “black and chrome, with road rash on both sides.”

Police found a man sleeping in a patch of grass downtown and asked him where he was. He replied, “Hilton Head.” He doesn’t always sleep on the grass, but when he does, he imagines it’s at a golf course.

Someone stole a cell phone and took several pictures without realizing that the photos were all automatically saved to the owner’s Dropbox account. Gotta watch out for those self-incriminating selfies.

A retail worker caught two women shoplifting $284 worth of clothing items from a store, so one of them punched the employee in the face and the other sprayed the employee with pepper spray. Then they sped off in a car and dumped the stolen clothes in a bank drive-through lane.

Police asked permission to search a man for drugs, and he replied, “I don’t have anything at all. Go ahead.” Actually, he had 3 grams of coke in his shorts and 3 grams of weed in his right shoe. Police stops: not a good time to bluff.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: A desktop computer, two laptop computers, a backpack, a duffle bag, 20 swimming suits, a GPS unit, a camera, a .32-caliber handgun, an iPod Touch, $5 in change, a wallet, a driver’s license, a credit card, two debit cards, six speakers, four subwoofers, an edger, and three chainsaws.

When a dollar store employee caught a man walking out of the store carrying a plastic bin filled with merchandise, the man said, “I brought these in when I came in the store” and kept walking out the door. The man had walked into the store empty-handed.

Somebody stole a woman’s wallet from her shopping cart in a store and then immediately tried to use the credit card to make a $600 purchase … in the same store.

Police found a man walking down a sidewalk in West Ashley around 3 a.m., waving his arms in the air and sweating profusely while laughing uncontrollably and giving off a distinct boozy smell. The man lied about his birthday and said he was walking to Hollywood, S.C.

Outstanding Parent o’ the Week: A loss prevention officer watched as a woman handed a basket full of clothing to her seven-year-old son, who then tried to walk out of the store without paying. When a store employee stopped the little boy and brought him to his mother the mom scolded him, and the boy replied, “But Mommy, you told me to.”

A man says he had just walked out of a corner store when three strangers approached him and one asked, “Did you hit my sister?” The man replied, “Who is your sister?” and then one of the strangers hit him in the face with a golf club. When he got up from the ground, he realized he was missing his cell phone and money.

A pedicab driver called police to report that two customers had stiffed him on a fare. A police officer stopped the offenders, who were obviously drunk, and they said they were walking to an ATM to get cash for the cabbie and then drive home to North Carolina. The officer pointed out that they were in no condition to be driving, and when they said they would just sleep in their car, the officer arrested the pair on charges of public intoxication. The police report makes no mention of what happened to the pedicab driver’s fare.

Smart Cashier o’ the Week: A grocery store employee saw a man and woman walk into a store and take several items from the meat section. The man walked out of the store without paying for anything, and the woman went to the cash register to pay for a few items — but the meat was nowhere to be found. So the cashier convinced the woman to sign up for a discount card, which meant she got the woman’s name, address, and phone number. Then she called police to report the shoplifting.

Police responded to a report of someone lighting a fire in the woods near downtown and found a man jumping around near the flames while shouting “Fuck you, white Nazi trash” and holding a two-foot nail over his head. The cops had to Taser the man twice before he quit fighting.

After witnesses reported hearing gunshots, a juvenile tried to tell police it was just the sound of fireworks. He was carrying a 9mm pistol.

Police arrested a man who was on the run from U.S. Marshals on a cocaine warrant and found several erectile dysfunction pills in his pockets. Guess he couldn’t keep it up forever.

Someone stole two aluminum tables, two beer kegs, and a 20-foot extension ladder from a restaurant. Whatever they had in mind for those items, it’s safe to say it was a bad idea.

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