Blotter o’ the Week: Somebody walked into a man’s unlocked garage and stole a toolbox, a drill, two pairs of boots, and a blue wool Civil War replica uniform.

Somebody stole a bicycle with non-functioning rear brakes. The owner really flew off the handlebars about it.

While refusing to leave a bar, a drunk man who was staring blankly at a police officer said he would rather go to jail than call a cab and then claimed that his father was the governor of an unspecified state. He was arrested on a public intoxication charge and taken to jail.

The cashier at a dollar store says that a woman shoplifted a radio and a Sega Genesis. No, this Blotter entry is not recycled from 1991.

A woman walked out of her church one evening and noticed that someone had hit her truck, shattering a tail light and leaving a streak of burgundy paint along the side. She told police, “I think someone from my church may have done it. There was a lot of traffic.”

A man walked into a fast-food restaurant at midday, jumped over the counter, grabbed a pair of scissors off the counter, and told the restaurant staff to “stay calm.” The workers ran to the back of the kitchen, customers fled the restaurant, and then the scissor-wielding man sat down at a table, placed the scissors in front of him, and didn’t say a word. He never made a request for money or food, according to a manager.

When police asked an underage bar patron who had passed out a bar how much he had been drinking, he replied, “About medium at this point.”

When asked if he had any weed in his car, a man replied, “I can’t say no, but no, there isn’t any marijuana inside the vehicle.” Police were not convinced, so they searched the car and found some weed in the glove box and the ash tray.

A woman was arrested on a DUI charge after — in her own words — “power-bombing” two-and-a-half glasses of wine at a restaurant.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: A motorcycle license plate, a Georgia Bulldogs gym bag, a pair of flip-flops, a jump rope, a pair of goggles, a weightlifting belt, a GPS unit, a wallet, two credit cards, $160 in cash, a Michael Kors handbag, a Hobo wallet, a Nikon camera, a Cynthia Rowley tote, a pair of Prada sunglasses, a snakeskin cosmetic bag, some paperwork, a swipecard for an office, prescriptions for Qsymia and Vyvanse, and a black Taurus 38mm handgun.

An eight-year-old brought a knife onto a school bus and showed it to other students.

A pedicab driver is accused of punching out two windows at shops on the market. With his fist. Why, dude?

A man stole six sheet sets by stuffing them in his pants. Say that six times fast.

A saleswoman went into a downtown bar to demonstrate a product she described as “programmable sunglasses” with red LED lights in the place of lenses. She says she let a man try a $450 pair of shades on, got distracted, and when she turned around, the man was gone.

Late-Night Quote o’ the Week: When an officer told a drunk woman she should call a roommate to pick her up, the woman replied, “I am too drunk to text.”

A man who was staggering in and out of traffic on a major highway told police that he had “a few drinks” earlier in the evening and had also taken “a few anti-anxiety pills that he bought from India over the internet,” according to an incident report.

Somebody broke into a house and stole eight sets of designer curtains and curtain rods.

Party Crasher o’ the Week: According to some women who were hosting a party at their apartment, a short, chubby, balding man showed up at the door and demanded to be let in to the party. Since they did not know the man, they told him no, and he got angry and yelled about it before walking away. Later that night, someone ripped the mailbox off a neighboring apartment’s exterior wall and stomped it flat.

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