Blotter o’ the Week: A woman tried to buy a $500 money order using five counterfeit $100 bills. The fakes were printed on ordinary printer paper. It’s like she wasn’t even trying.

A 17-year-old says a friend stole his electric guitar and pawned it to buy drugs.

Employees at a bar asked a man to leave after he poured his beer out on the floor. The man responded by cussing out the employees and flailing his arms around while attempting to dance to some music. Pourin’ one out for the homies: You’re supposed to do it outside.

Two men arranged to meet in a parking lot to sell a gun. The gun owner handed his pistol over to the potential buyer to inspect it, and the buyer snatched it and ran. The seller managed to grab a piece of the man’s shirt, which tore off in his hand.

Some customers ran out of a seafood restaurant without paying their bill, but they did leave a $6 tip.

Toby Keith-Inspired Crime o’ the Week: A man was seen crossing the street while carrying a red Solo cup. We’ll give you one guess what was inside. (Are you ready? The answer is booze!)

A man who said he had consumed seven Long Island Iced Teas was found in a parking lot lying face-down in his own vomit.

After watching a man look around, walk into some bushes, unzip his pants, and start urinating, a police officer walked up and asked the man what he was doing. “Not peeing,” the man replied. His pants were still unzipped.

Somebody shoplifted an $80 crystal ball that was on display on a base. Guess they didn’t see that one coming.

A woman driving a red BMW and wearing a shirt that said “Let’s Get Cray” shoplifted jeans, jewelry, and cologne from a store. Maybe she was going for the whole blending-in-by-standing-out technique.

After getting some weed confiscated from his vehicle, a man told police, “Man, my girl’s gonna be mad. I just spent $45 on that.”

Stolen From Homes This Week: $1,090 worth of cash, a bicycle, some rings, $1,000 worth of copper lines and pipes, a Wii, three Wii games, two pairs of toddler sneakers, and a pair of children’s Air Jordans.

A truck driver was passing through downtown when her truck hit a low-hanging tree limb, causing $600 worth of damage to the vehicle.

Somebody slashed the tires on a man’s car. The man says it may have happened because he is a registered sex offender.

Two men allegedly waited for the bartender at an elevated back-patio bar to get distracted before jumping from the roof of a neighboring restaurant, hopping behind the bar, and stealing two bottles of tequila and a bottle of gin.

Police arrested a shirtless man who was carrying a brick and yelling at bystanders outside of a fast food joint.

Weird Warning/Veiled Threat o’ the Week: A man reportedly walked by a house and told one of the residents, “People come pick your flowers at night at 4 a.m. and one day you’ll wake up and everything will be gone.” The next day someone broke a window at the house.

When police confronted a woman who was squatting behind a cargo van, she stood up and said she was checking her tampon. There was a large puddle of pee at her feet.

A police officer watched as a man stumbled around the sidewalk and then pulled a handful of leaves off of a tree. As soon as the officer approached him, the man handed off the leaves to his girlfriend and said he had done nothing wrong. When the cop told him it was illegal to be drunk in public, the man said, “You don’t own that tree either.”

A man told police that the white powdery substance he was keeping in a Zip-Loc bag was crushed Advil. Because grown men often have to crush up their medicine and mix it into apple sauce.

A man banged on a stranger’s door at midday begging for some kind of help. When police arrived, the man shouted that he was tired of living in “the projects” and wanted the officer to shoot him, stating that he would “‘F’ you up and make you shoot me.” The officer handcuffed the man and had him transported to a hospital, where he was strapped down to a bed.

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