Product Placement o’ the Week: In an incident report about a man who was sleeping on a statue, an officer wrote, “The offender advised that he had been drinking earlier in the evening consuming Bud Ice as his desired thirst quencher.”

An officer pulled his car over after a man on the sidewalk threw something at his vehicle. The man had several pink stains on the front of his shirt and told the officer, “Fuck y’all! I’ve been trying to get y’all to get me a ride home all day!” The officer arrested the man on a public disorderly conduct charge. It turned out the man had thrown bread at the police cruiser, and the pink stains came from a jar of strawberry-flavored alcoholic malt beverage.

Somebody broke into the property of several construction companies and stole a pipe laser, two rivet guns, two metal fuel cans, three generators, a pressure washer, a Ford F-350 flatbed truck, a trailer, six power drills, two car batteries, and $10,000 worth of stoplight wire.

Somebody pushed a roof-mounted air conditioning unit over the edge of a roof and left it dangling by the electrical cords above the entrance of a makeup store. The manager at a nearby business said the rooftop is a popular spot where people go to drink and smoke marijuana.

A bicycle rickshaw driver called police because a passenger was refusing to pay his fare. Seems like a pedi way to deal with a cab driver.

Stolen From Homes This Week: A Les Paul electric guitar, a 48-inch TV, a 32-inch TV, a Roku streaming device, $60 in cash, a white and gold jacket, a pair of jeans, and a FedEx package containing $103 worth of vitamins.

A week after a newspaper ran an obituary that included his mother’s maiden name, a man received a notice from his ID theft protection company saying that someone had tried to change the listed address on his credit card.

After ordering a $10 meal at a diner around 2 a.m., a man got mad that his friends weren’t picking up his bill, told a waitress he was headed outside to have a smoke, and then ran away and drove off in his car.

Somebody stole a 19-foot boat trailer from a parking lot. The owner said he hadn’t seen the trailer since six years ago when he dropped it off in the parking lot.

Somebody broke into a church office and stole $2,000 in checks, $120 in cash, two tablet computers, a grocery store gift card, and some bank deposit slips.

Around 3:45 p.m. on a Monday, police received a complaint about a man who was walking down a residential street pulling his pants up and down and yelling at people to fight him. An officer arrived on the scene and found the man walking out from behind a house wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and carrying his shorts in his hands. The officer arrested him on a public disorderly conduct charge.

Police found a man sitting on the ground in a parking garage emitting heavy booze fumes. The man was unable to speak in coherent sentences until the officer asked him if he knew where he was or where he lived, to which the man replied, “I love you,” over and over again.

An officer watched as a man bought Xanax pills from a dealer on a sidewalk directly in front of him. The officer caught the buyer, but the dealer got away and is now on the alprazo-lam.

A police officer stopped a drunk man who was staggering down the sidewalk. The officer noted in the incident report, “The offender’s right knuckles were scratched but he could not remember how it happened.”

A man was dropping his son off at his ex-wife’s apartment when he reportedly took a used diaper out of the bed of his pickup truck and threw it at a car belonging to his ex-wife’s boyfriend, getting excrement on the windshield and roof. Well, shit …

Ice-Cold Hit and Run o’ the Week: A man was skateboarding on the street at night when a car hit him from behind, breaking his skateboard in half. The skateboarder approached the driver at a red light, and the driver told him “I know I hit you” and then drove away.

After shoplifting a bag of Combos, some Cajun boiled peanuts, and a bottle of Sauvignon blanc from a convenience store, a man took off running from a police officer and eventually surrendered, saying, “I’m drunk, and that is why I was scared.” Bouncers at two nearby bars said they had turned the man away that evening for being too drunk.

An officer pulled a man over on suspicion of driving under the influence and asked him what he’d been drinking. The man replied, “Natty.” The officer asked him how many Nattys he had consumed, and he replied, “Not enough.”

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