Blotter o’ the Week: An officer found a trespasser sleeping in the fitness center of an apartment complex. When nudged by the officer, the suspect said, “I’m awake. Please give me a break, officer.” Following a search, police discovered cocaine base in the woman’s bra.

After stopping a vehicle for driving without any taillights, an officer noted that the driver “seemed very relaxed” and smelled of marijuana, according to an incident report. When asked if he had any drugs in the car, the driver told the officer, “Enough for a blunt.”

A man passed out on the street in front of a library after a morning of drinking. Witnesses inside the library said the boozing bookworm was seen inside the library’s computer lab drinking beer before he was discovered outside. According to an incident report, the man admitted to downing three 40-ounce beers that morning.

Officers found a man wrapped in a bedsheet walking along the James Island Connector late one night. When offered a ride to a friend’s house by police, the man was unable to think of anyone he was willing to bother at such a late hour.

A handyman is suspected of charging more than $29,000 to one customer’s bank account. According to the victim, the suspect would often bring the woman her mail and say, “I took this home with me last night. I did not want it to be left outside.” The woman’s bank stated that the money had been withdrawn from her account by “her nephew” whose description just happened to match that of the handyman.

Alias O’ The Week: After finding that her car had been struck in a parking lot, a woman was glad to find that the offender had the courtesy to leave a note with his contact information. Unfortunately, the note was signed “Jack Enoffe.” The woman was unable to reach Mr. Enoffe at the phone number provided.

Officers found a man trespassing inside of an abandoned house. After being discovered by police, the suspect hid just long enough to destroy his glass pipe with his foot. The man told the officer that he had only been smoking crack for two months and the house was recommended as a good location to smoke.

Police found a drunk driver and her dog crouched next to the car she had just driven off the road. When asked how much she had to drink that evening, the woman used her fingers to indicate 4-5 inches and then stated that was the amount of vodka she had consumed.

A man smashed a pumpkin against a fire engine as it passed him on the street. According to an incident report, “It should be noted that the fire truck had no damage other than pumpkin residue.”

Stolen Items O’ The Week: Two concrete lion statues were stolen from in front of a downtown home. The groundskeeper estimated the statues weigh 150 pounds a piece and are valued at $14,000.

A shoplifter failed to remove her employee name tag before stealing a package of steaks from a grocery store. She was identified by store employees, who provided the woman’s name and workplace.

An intoxicated bar patron urinated in the back of another customer’s pickup truck.

An intoxicated man was unable to keep his pants up while being questioned by police. The suspect required the use of a nearby telephone pole to remain standing.

A man claims that vandals covered his car in flour and eggs. The owner of the vehicle also says he found a note on the car that read “Learn how to park or I will have your ass towed.”

After colliding with three parked vehicles, a driver told officers that he didn’t know what went wrong to cause the accident. The source of the problem was quickly identified when the man admitted to “having a couple” of beers, according to an incident report.

Police were approached late one night by a man who claimed to have been the victim of a robbery that evening. The officer noted that the man was highly intoxicated and missing his pants and shoes.

A woman suspects her ex-husband of posting a photo of her in her apartment building attached to a note reading, “For a good time call” followed by the woman’s phone number.

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