Blotter o’ the Week: An officer found a naked man lying on a sidewalk with his arms outstretched to the sky talking about “how God is all around,” according to an incident report. Once the man was able to stand, he became angry with the officer for blocking his view. As the two circled each other, the man said, “I can’t see God.” After being strapped to a stretcher by medical personnel, the man began to claim that he was in fact God and asked officers to “tell him when he had helped them.” After several hours in custody, the man provided officers with his full name, which he claimed to be “God Christ,” before his mother was finally able to pick him up.

A woman called police after chasing an intoxicated man out of her apartment late one evening. Officers were told that the man had attempted to enter several apartments in the building that night and discovered that he had urinated on himself when he was taken into custody. When questioned by the police, the man said he could not remember his father’s phone number and he did not know where he was or what he was doing.

Officers watched as a young man exited a downtown bar still carrying his drink as he walked down the street. After questioning, police learned that the man was under 21 years of age and he was definitely not old enough for a to-go cup.

An officer noticed a man crossing in front of traffic holding an open beer wrapped in a paper towel. When asked what kind of beer he had, the man replied, “Tall boy.”

A man called police to report that five of his shotguns were missing from his home. He mentioned that several workers had recently been in and out of his home performing repairs, according to an incident report.

A couple on their first date was spotted smoking marijuana in a public park late one night. When questioned by an officer, the man said he was “in the middle of breaking out a little blunt.” After he was placed under arrest, the man’s date informed the police that “It was his weed” and the two had met only a few hours prior to their evening out.

After an officer discovered illegal drugs in a man’s car during a traffic stop downtown, the disoriented suspect told police, “I don’t even have any pills on me. I just sold all my Oxy’s at the bar,” according to an incident report. While being transported to jail, the man asked, “Why am I going to jail? I didn’t do anything. I wasn’t even driving my car downtown tonight. You didn’t stop me.”

A woman received a call from someone pretending to be her granddaughter who told the woman that she had been arrested and needed $4,000 for bail. A man posing as a police officer then told the woman to purchase reloadable debit cards at a grocery store and call him back with the account information. The woman finally spoke with an actual police officer after she purchased the debit cards because she lost the piece of paper on which she had written the phone number that the imposters had given her.

After responding to reports of a vehicle that had crashed into a ditch, an officer located the owner who had been drinking. During the field sobriety test, the man told the officer that they should “have a human conversation.” The very human and very drunk driver admitted that he had been drinking and fell asleep in his vehicle. When the officer asked that the suspect complete the field sobriety tests, the man said, “I feel like we’re not communicating.”

An unknown man left a plastic grocery bag in a bank after making a transaction. Inside the bag, managers discovered approximately 25 grams of marijuana wrapped in plastic with the words “Blue Dream” written on the package in marker. Suffice it to say, that was not the deposit the man had in mind.

Officers questioned an intoxicated woman who had wrecked her vehicle after leaving a bar. The woman told the officer, “Yeah, I’ve been drinking, but I just put a new tire on my car.” When asked to take a field sobriety test, the woman sat down on the pavement and continuously shook her head.

A man returned to his car to find a stranger sitting in the passenger seat of the vehicle. When confronted, the suspect stepped out of the car and said, “This is my vehicle. Get the hell out of the way” before he fled the scene.

A man called police after hearing several gunshots coming from his neighbor’s home. The suspect told officers that he had been shooting his gun from his back porch for practice. An officer noted that the man had been drinking and located several bullet casings scattered around the man’s back patio, which faces into the woods behind an apartment complex.

A woman called police to report that she had received one too many “unwanted hugs” from a former coworker. According to an incident report, the woman informed her coworker during each embrace that “she did not need his hugs.”

A woman’s mailbox was ripped from its post late one evening. She told police that she doesn’t know anyone who would commit such an act and no other mailboxes in the neighborhood were damaged or missing.

An intoxicated man fell asleep in the driver’s seat of his vehicle while waiting in the drive-thru at a fast-food restaurant. Officers arrived on scene as the man struck another vehicle in the parking lot.

An abandoned vehicle with an out-of-state license plate reading YOURMOM was found after it collided with a tree. Officers eventually located the driver who admitted that he had been drinking.

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