Blotter o’ the Week: A man who had been reported missing was found panhandling in front of a downtown bar one evening. According to an incident report, he told police that he had been speaking with angels, none of whom were able to spare any change.

Late one night, an officer responded to reports of a driver asleep at the wheel while stopped at a red light. After waking, the man told the officer that he “just got off work and was tired,” according to an incident report. The man’s girlfriend soon arrived on scene and told the officers that he was found “last week doing the same thing.”

Hotel managers called police to report an intoxicated man who was acting belligerent and had urinated “all over the bathroom” near the front desk. The man was transported to another hotel, but he soon collapsed upon entering the lobby.

The manager of a sporting goods store reported a suspect who is believed to have shoplifted a golf club by sneaking it out in his pants. The manager told police that he witnessed the suspect walking strangely as the man limped out of the store without bending his right leg.

While walking through a park one morning, a man noticed a sword poking out of a trash can. According to an incident report, the weapon had no identifying marks other than an engraving that read “U.S. Air Force Academy.”

When asked by police why he smelled of marijuana, a suspect responded bluntly, saying, “Because I’ve been smoking marijuana.” The man then consented to a search, but he told officers he was surprised they were able to locate the drugs, which he had hidden in his front pocket.

Two men got into a fight after the driver refused to take his friend to a store to cash his check. Following their disagreement, the suspect exited the vehicle and told the driver, “Let’s have a stand-up fight.” The driver eventually fled the scene to avoid a fight, but later returned to find that his vehicle was missing. The driver was unable to provide police with his friend’s name, telling officers that he only knows the man by a nickname.

One beef thief attempted to shoplift 14 packages of meat valued at almost $90 from a grocery store.

During a traffic stop, a driver was unable to provide his license, registration, or even tell the officer his specific date of birth. After the man was asked to repeat his year of birth, he responded, “1972, I think” and gave both the 15th and 16th of August as possible dates. When questioned further, the man told the officer that his first name was both Allen and George. The suspect later informed police that his license was suspended, and he had given his brother’s name to avoid getting caught.

An undercover officer contacted a woman online through an adult service website’s domination and fetish section. After meeting in a hotel lobby downtown, the kinky culprit offered to perform sexual acts for the price of $650 — not bad for a night’s work.

A woman called police after her neighbor hit her with a shoe. While speaking with an officer, the woman would not provide further details regarding the incident and stated that she feels the police are useless and do not protect citizens.

An officer pulled over a man who was allegedly driving while intoxicated. While questioning the man, the officer realized the driver’s sweatshirt was inside-out, but the suspect argued that his clothing was as it should be. When asked why he didn’t call a cab or a friend for a ride home, the man responded, “Because I’m an idiot.”

A woman began to cause a disturbance at a fast-food restaurant after she received cold french fries. Officers arrived to witness the woman yelling and cursing at the manager who had informed her that there would be a short wait for hot fries. She was clearly not lovin’ it.

An employee in a downtown shoe store was approached by a young man who told her that a bit of heroin was hidden in an eyeglass case on the shop’s discount shoe rack.

A near traffic collision led to two men reporting each other for harassment. One of the drivers said he was threatened after he called the phone number that was listed on the side of the other vehicle, which was the driver’s work van. The man with the van told police that he had received perhaps the most dire of threats: “I’m going to give you bad reviews online.”

A few high-schoolers were spotted passing around a bottle containing a yellow liquid and fruit-flavored hard candy. A teacher told officers that he became suspicious when he noticed a student was “unusually hyper and offering sips of his drink to other students.” Another teacher said that young people will sometimes put hard candy in alcohol to “enhance the flavor and hide the smell.” The beverage was seized, and the students were no longer able to taste the rainbow.

A plastic grocery bag full of jewelry was found lying on the ground one afternoon. Inside the sack were 22 necklaces, six watches, five rings, 10 bracelets, nine broaches, three pendants, one small snuff case, and miscellaneous earrings.

A woman called police to report that someone had been in her home while she was out. The woman said that her underwear drawers had been riffled through, but the only item missing was a box of fruit snacks from the kitchen.

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