Blotter o’ the Week: An attacker told officers that he had “boxed the victim in the face over $2,” according to an incident report. Hate to see what he’d do for $3.

A crew of workers reported to a man’s home one day for what he thought would be a simple survey. The homeowner returned 30 minutes later to check on the team when he noticed that the crew had begun taking his roof apart. Eventually, a manager arrived on scene and told the homeowner that the workers had gone to the wrong house.

Staff at a clothing store called police to report a woman who refused to leave the bathroom and continued to threaten to punch other customers who entered the ladies room. When police asked the woman what she was doing, she replied, “I need to change my pad.” The woman also told officers that she wasn’t planning to buy anything from the store, and she was “just sightseeing.” The bathroom beauty was eventually taken to jail, but not before she called the arresting officer a “jackass.”

A woman received a call one morning from a man claiming to be a police captain from “Correction Institute,” according to an incident report. The man on the phone allegedly told the woman that her grandson had been placed in jail, and she needed to wire the man $3,000 for her grandson’s bond. After the so-called “captain” called back and demanded an additional $3,000, the woman contacted the actual police. Investigators then called the impostors to ask for the name of the jail where they worked. During questioning, the suspect asked the officer to hold while he looked up the name of the facility “in the database” before quickly hanging up the phone.

Police responded to reports of a woman who had taken LSD and was “having a bad episode,” according to an incident report. Officers entered the woman’s apartment to find her running around topless before she crashed into a wall.

A shoplifter casually walked out of a store with two fishing rods before store security reeled him back in to await the police.

An officer was escorting a man downtown, when he asked to be dropped off at a hospital, but would not specify a reason why. The man then requested that he be taken to jail, but was informed by the officer that he was not under arrest and he could not take him to jail. The man replied, “Well, you are going to have to now,” at which point he proceeded to begin smoking crack in the back seat of the patrol car. The officer immediately stopped the car just in time to witness the man exhale a thick cloud of smoke and say, “Guess I’m going to jail now.”

After being cited for panhandling, a man became belligerent and told officers that “South Carolina is a prison state” and “all cops are devils,” according to an incident report.

An intoxicated man was found asleep in the back seat of his vehicle while parked at a gas station one evening. According to an incident report, the man was unsure of his surroundings and was placed under arrest for public intoxication. His confusion persisted throughout his ride to jail when he mistook the back seat of the patrol car for a bathroom.

After requesting air fresheners from room service, one hotel guest continued to notice a strange smell in his room. After dropping his phone behind a piece of furniture, the man finally located the source of the aroma — a bag of weed with a “distinct, strong odor.”

An intoxicated man was found screaming at passersby downtown. When officers asked how much he had to drink that evening, the man replied, “As much as everyone else.”

After failing to notify police that she had discovered a lost wallet, a woman informed officers that the wallet and its contents were now hers “fair and square because [she] found it,” according to an incident report.

When pulled over for reckless driving, a man immediately exited his vehicle and began screaming at an officer. He shouted, “I’ve got what you want,” before returning to his vehicle to get his license and registration, which he then threw onto the hood of the officer’s car.

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