Blotter o’ the Week: Police responded to reports of a woman who was lying on the sidewalk, claiming that she had been stabbed by a UFO. According to an incident report, the woman then began to shout obscenities and stated that she was giving out “blowjobs for a dollar.” This offer was then extended to the firemen who had responded to the scene. Police eventually noticed a large blood stain on the woman’s pants, which she said came from a stray cat she had been helping out for the past few days.

An officer watched as a man with an alcoholic beverage in a brown paper bag walked behind a dumpster to hide. When questioned by the officer about the drink, the man replied that he was “just pouring this into a cup so you don’t see it,” according to an incident report.

An officer attempted to wake an intoxicated man who had passed out on the sidewalk downtown late one evening. After regaining consciousness, the man refused to believe the officer and insisted that they were in Columbia. The man later informed EMS that it was the year 2006, and, even more surprisingly, he had only consumed two drinks earlier that evening.

An officer spotted a gentleman sitting inside a dumpster downtown and acted upon his natural curiosity as to why anyone would be chilling inside a trash can. When asked what he was up to, the dumpster diver in question told the officer that he was “just hanging out” and looking for his blanket.

A shoplifter allegedly made off with five cases of beer, one bottle of wine, two bags of pretzels, and a king-size chocolate bar one afternoon. According to an incident report, the man returned to the store 24 hours later and racked up another $170 of stolen groceries, including a newspaper featuring the best mug shots from the past week.

A man attempted to shoplift an electric nose-hair trimmer valued at $20 from a department store, according to an incident report. Upon being confronted by store staff, the shaggy suspect dropped the merchandise and fled the scene.

An intoxicated suspect stumbled past an officer late one evening before leaning his back against a nearby wall and slowly sliding down until he was lying on the ground in a puddle of water. When the officer began questioning the man, the suspect responded by yelling, “This is fucking bullshit,” which prompted his arrest.

A high school student reported to his principal that another student had poked him in the buttocks with a pole during weight-lifting class. The young man received no injuries, but his parents insisted that he report the incident.

A man called police to report that his vehicle was being towed. After arriving on scene, the officer was informed that the driver had illegally parked in a private lot. The tow-truck operator told the driver that he would have to pay $75 to unload the vehicle, at which point the driver’s friend parked in front of the tow truck and attempted to free his buddy’s vehicle from the cruel grip of the tow. Ultimately, the $75 fee was paid, and the car was returned to its rightful owner.

A man suspects that a former business partner stole more than $4,500 in car paint from his shop. According to an incident report, the two men had recently experienced a falling out over a financial disagreement and are now run competing companies.

A school bus full of children was pulled over after police discovered the vehicle was bearing a license plate reported missing from another vehicle.

A man who specializes in selling high-quality sneakers online arranged a meeting with an interested party. After the prospective buyer tried on the shoes, he threw a handful of counterfeit cash at the sneakerhead and ran off with the new pair of kicks in hand.

A suspected shoplifter returned to the scene of the crime to ask store employees if they had found a pocket knife he may have left behind. A store employee recognized the alleged thief and followed him outside for questioning. According to an incident report, the suspect denied stealing anything in the past, but he did confess to leaving the store that day without paying for a blu-ray copy of Spotlight and a bottle of aspirin. Although he may be a shoplifter, at least the man appreciates quality journalism.

Two proud new parents entered a department store with their child and began asking staff about strollers. After making their selection, the happy family fled the store without paying for the baby buggy and boarded a bus.

Responding to reports of a man relieving himself in public, police arrived on scene to find a man who could not recall where he lived or where he was going. During questioning, the man walked across the street to a private residence and attempted to enter a parked vehicle, according to an incident report. When asked to move away from the stranger’s home, the man sat down on the ground and began to cry.

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