Blotter o’ the Week: A woman suspects that her neighbor placed a dead bird in a bucket and left it in her driveway. The woman told officers that she had moved the dead bird to her neighbor’s porch and that she also believes her neighbors have attempted to steal her trash cans and spread rumors about her taking flowers from behind City Hall. During the conversation, the officer noted that the woman appeared frustrated and “believed people were out to get her.” According to an incident report, the officer also believes that the woman is a hoarder and described the inside of her home as having trash piled to the ceiling from wall to wall.

An officer responded to reports of a disturbance outside of a downtown bar to find a group gathered around an angry, but surprisingly well-mannered man. While speaking with the officer, the drunken suspect pushed past, saying, “I’m sorry. I’m going to attack this guy,” according to an incident report.

During a routine traffic stop, a moped driver told an officer that he would keep his hands in his pockets if he wanted to, adding, “I don’t want to comply with you.” During police questioning, the man informed the officer that he, in fact, was “asking the questions.” There is still no information on what the moped-driving sleuth uncovered.

One drunken patriot just couldn’t wait for the Fourth of July and began setting off fireworks behind a crowded bar one evening.

Succumbing to the perils of pollen season, one shoplifter attempted to make off with several boxes of allergy medication and a bottle of eye drops.

One woman called police after a young man was spotted stealing two large cases of Monster Energy drinks from her porch, so keep an eye out for an overly caffeinated crook looking to free the beast.

A man was spotted sleeping on the patio outside of a downtown restaurant with his genitals outside of his pants. When questioned by police, the man stated that he was just tired and was not doing anything wrong.

While walking back from dinner one evening, a woman informed her neighbors that her welcome mat was missing from her doorstep. One of the neighbors, who happens to be the head of the woman’s homeowners association, said that the welcome mat wasn’t quite welcome, and it violated their HOA agreement and had been removed. The woman was unable to locate the mat, and her appeals to the HOA board were denied.

Police responded to reports of a physical altercation between two roommates. Upon arriving at the scene, the officers found a shirtless combatant standing barefoot near the door of an apartment. The man was intoxicated and banging loudly, hoping to gain entrance. After locating the man’s roommate, officers were informed that the man had been drinking all night and had thrown a liquor bottle at his roommate.

While officers searched a man’s car for narcotics, he explained the presence of drugs by freely admitting that he “likes to smoke weed,” according to an incident report.

Police were called to a local car dealership after a man wrote a bad personal check for $110,819 to purchase a new luxury sports car. The dealership told officers that the man had been dodging their calls, but had informed them that he was in Atlanta. According to an incident report, the dealership does not believe the offender will ever pay them for the vehicle and that the offender is unlikely to return.

Hoping to get more comfortable, one man decided to remove his shoes before taking a nap in a downtown parking garage. After receiving a call about the man, police issued a citation for trespassing, which he immediately crumbled up and threw to the ground. The officers later questioned the original complainant, who happened to be familiar with the suspect. When asked how he knew the suspect, the complainant replied, “I plead the fifth,” according to an incident report.

Responding to reports of a drunk driver, police located an intoxicated man behind the wheel of a car. The man spoke in limited, broken English, according to an incident report. After the driver admitted that he had been drinking beer, the officers asked the man how many drinks he had consumed that evening. At this point the man reached into his pocket, pulled out a quarter, and held it up to the officers. He then asked the officers if they understood, but something was lost in translation.

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