Blotter o’ the Week: A man suspected of stalking was questioned by police only to reveal his greater mission to save America. The man stated that he was traveling the country by canoe trying to spread his beliefs about “undamming the dams” across the country, according to an incident report. The levee leveller told police that he was leaving his business cards in bushes and near homes around town to connect with supporters.

Listing the contents of his missing wallet, one man made sure to mention the various pictures of his dog that he carries around with him.

An intoxicated cyclist was spotted staggering out of a downtown bar one evening. While the man struggled to unlock his bike, he managed to shout several obscenities at the police officer who was questioning him. The officer told the man that he wouldn’t be allowed to bike home in such a state, to which the man replied, “I’m not fucking drunk,” according to an incident report. The two-wheeled terror then attempted to lock his bike back to the rack, but after 10 minutes, he gave up.

After colliding with a pedestrian on his bike, a suspect allegedly began to bite the other person on his biceps.

A woman was spotted squatting behind a building downtown and urinating. She apologized to officers, saying she was having a bad day and her boyfriend had just broken up with her.

Employees at one grocery store suspected something fishy when they spotted several packages of jumbo shrimp fall from a shoplifter’s pants.

An intoxicated man was found hiding behind a dumpster one afternoon. When questioned by police, the man stated that he was just trying to clear his head following a “difficult time” with the mother of his children. After he demonstrated to police that he was unable to walk home, the man informed officers that he shouldn’t be arrested because he did not have any open containers on him.

Proving that bad things come in threes, a drunken man told officers that he had already been cited two times earlier in the day when they busted him for public intoxication.

After being spotted by the police, one woman threw the open beer she had been drinking behind her back as the officers approached. While speaking with the police, an incriminating stream of brew began to run back down the sidewalk onto her feet.

Stolen Items O’ the Week:

A diamond ring: $10,525

A trench digger: $16,540

One bottle of gin: $26

Approximately 600 Magic the Gathering cards: $2,000

A couple walked out on their check at a downtown steakhouse after enjoying crab cakes and lobster bisque. An officer later found the female suspect outside the restaurant, but her partner in life and in crime was nowhere to be seen. She told police that her boyfriend was out fishing. She also informed officers that she and her boyfriend were tourists, but she could not recall the name of the hotel where they were staying. She added that they had been dating for three months, but wasn’t sure of her boyfriend’s real name because “he is very private with his life,” according to an incident report.

For three straight weeks, one loyal customer drank at the same bar from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. before stepping out for an hour only to return and continue drinking for another five hours. The bar manager told police that the man’s daily tab ran about $250, according to an incident report. After checking the bar’s bank statements, the manager found that every one of the suspect’s credit card transactions had been declined. While the manager was speaking with the officer, the suspect strolled into the bar and immediately began to have a seizure when the officer began to question him.

A suspected shoplifter who was allegedly attempting to walk off with a garbage disposal was stopped outside of the store. When the pilfering plumber was asked to return to the store by security, the suspect replied, “Ha, no way,” according to an incident report. The suspect then dropped all the stolen items and fled the scene in her vehicle, which was parked nearby.

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