Blotter o’ the Week: Two workers at a restaurant got into a physical altercation over soup one afternoon. One of the workers had poured out the fresh batch of soup after noticing a fly in the pot, setting off a kitchen quarrel.

During a traffic stop, a man told police, “I wasn’t even driving,” despite being behind the wheel as he spoke with officers.

After rear-ending another vehicle, a drunk driver was asked how much alcohol she had consumed that evening. The woman replied, “Very, very, very, very, very, very little, and I am an officer of the court and I do not drive drunk. I resent the fact that you are very condescending towards me.” After advising police that they had no legal right to detain her, the woman mistook an officer’s questions for flirtations and stated, “I am not going home with you.”

Bar staff became concerned after a man and woman were spotted heading into the bathroom together. When the two failed to re-emerge soon after, a manager proceeded to knock on the bathroom door. It was at this point that the lavatory lothario kicked a hole through the door before making his way out of the bar.

Officers found a man hiding in the upstairs bathroom of a house whose owner was away on vacation. Downstairs, police found an open bag of microwave popcorn and an empty bottle of bourbon. According to an incident report, the suspect told police, “I was drunk, broke in last night, and slept on the couch, drank the liquor and ate some food.”

A cab driver said he spotted a man writing a large “G” on the side of his vehicle in permanent marker. When questioned, the vandal allegedly said he was planning to write, “Get out of here,” because the driver does not belong in the parking lot.

A woman suspects that her ex-boyfriend shattered her car window before the old flame set a fire inside the vehicle.

A woman called police to request a ride to her hotel. After the woman was informed that the police are not a taxi service, she replied that she did not have money for cab fare and then began to shout obscenities at the officer. After being asked to stop screaming, the woman began repeatedly hitting the officer’s vehicle with her purse before receiving a complimentary ride to the county detention center.

A 19-year-old drunkard attempted to scale the fence of an apartment complex after being thrown out of a party. When security officers found the shirtless young man, he attempted to fight them, according to an incident report.

A man called police after noticing several strange transactions in his checking account, specifically seven charges, all at the same pizza place, for more than $270.

An intoxicated driver was grabbing a meal at a fast-food drive-thru. After the man complained that he had not received his full order and refused to leave, the employee closed the drive-thru window. It was at this point that the suspect drove around the restaurant and demanded that the employee meet him outside. After the two began to argue, the driver lifted his shirt, allegedly revealing a firearm. Realizing no amount of chicken nuggets is worth losing your life over, the employee ran back into the restaurant and the driver sped off.

An officer called for back-up after an intoxicated man began repeatedly “charging at her vehicle like a bull,” according to an incident report.

A man reportedly entered a grocery store and filled his pants with gourmet cheese and exited without paying. Seeing as how his tastes run on the expensive side, perhaps he just didn’t have the necessary cheddar.

Two men stole approximately $660 worth of beef jerky from a store late one night.

An intoxicated man was knocking on random doors late one evening. When asked by police if he had any medical issues, the man responded no, but claimed to have consumed five quarts of liquor that evening.

An intoxicated woman was found wandering the streets one evening with a pair of hedge trimmers in hand. She admitted that the trimmers were stolen, but was unwilling to divulge their true owner.

A woman noticed a GPS tracker hidden under the steering column in her vehicle. She told officers that she suspects the tracker belongs to her ex-husband who had been recently “showing up wherever she goes.”

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