Blotter o’ the Week: A man told police that he was fighting an evil demon late one evening. On the night, the demon in question had apparently taken the form of a glass window, and the man suffered cuts and scratches to his fist.

A man was walking to his girlfriend’s home when a driver pulled up next to him. The driver allegedly threatened to shoot the man for making negative comments about his deceased wife. According to an incident report, the man told police that he had not spoken ill of the dead and was in fact a pallbearer at the woman’s funeral.

A woman shoplifted more than $100 worth of foot and nail files from a department store on at least two occasions.

One not-so-happy couple found that approximately 10 Budweiser signs were missing from their home that was undergoing renovations. The contractor overseeing the repairs was notified and quickly traveled to his employee’s home to find multiple beer signs inside the man’s vehicle.

An employee at a gas station called police after she noticed that one vehicle had been parked in front of a pump for more than an hour. Police arrived to find the driver asleep at the wheel surrounded by the strong odor of marijuana.

An aspiring exhibitionist told police that he was having some drinks with seven other men when they began to discuss a few intimate issues. The man told his heterosexual pals that since he was gay he and a nearby female could show off their genitalia to one another because of his sexual orientation. The man and woman reconvened in the bathroom where they talked about how they would lie to the others in the group about showing their not-so-private parts to one another. The man suspects that it was this story that led to someone breaking into his car and stealing his cellphone.

A man purchased a motorcycle from a stranger on Facebook only to find that the vehicle had been reported stolen out of Texas. This realization likely ended in an immediate unfriending.

Police stopped a man on a moped for driving without a headlight. Officers soon noticed that the man had used a screwdriver to turn the ignition on the vehicle, which led to a few other questions from the officers. During questioning, the man answered his phone, saying, “I have a big issue. The police got me.” A quick search revealed that the moped had been reported stolen and the man was found to be carrying a large quantity of cash and a little bit of marijuana. After being taking into custody, the man was strip searched, at which time officers found cocaine hidden between his buttocks.

A woman was awoken by her dog only to realize that a disoriented drunk had entered her home in search of a bathroom. The intoxicated stranger entered the woman’s bedroom saying, “I got to pee. Where is the bathroom?” In shock, the woman pointed the way to the guest bathroom, but her uninvited guest decided to make herself at home in the master bathroom.

A woman proceeded to hang out in the restroom of a grocery store as she drank several containers of wine that she had shoplifted. After retrieving the woman, police found four cartons of wine had been left behind in the stall where the woman was getting flushed on blush.

A burglar managed to break into a man’s home and make off with a half-gallon bottle of gin, several jars of change, a $2 bill, underwear, three packs of bacon, four packs of hotdogs, and a six-pack of beer. Be on the lookout for a thief enjoying the best picnic of his or her life.

A woman passed out on the back patio of a downtown restaurant. Witnesses said the woman had been drinking heavily and walking behind the bar to serve herself throughout the evening.

A man paid a visit to the police station to hand over a condenser microphone that he had discovered in his vehicle. The man had no idea how the mysterious microphone had ended up in his car.

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