Blotter o’ the Week: Hotel staff called police to report a few customers who had worn out their welcome and refused to leave their room. Arriving on scene, officers found the room in question to be occupied by four juveniles who said they were celebrating a birthday. Inside the room, police found a bookbag full of textbooks and a bolt-action rifle that had been disassembled.

A woman notified police after she received a series of text messages from a stranger asking for money. Finally, after ignoring a call from the would-be borrower, the woman received a text message, saying, “Of course you wouldn’t answer cause that’s what snakes do.”

Two drinkers hopped a fence outside what they thought to be their home. As is often the case when alcohol is involved, their sense of direction was just a bit off. Turns out they were only two and half miles away from their desired destination.

Two women are suspected of shoplifting 169 pieces of baby clothing valued at more than $3,250. Too bad the kid will grow out of it all in no time, and they’ll have to mastermind another Oshkosh B’Gosh heist.

A shoplifter was caught attempting to steal strawberries, a red velvet cake, coconut custard, and a random selection of other items. The man admitted to stealing, but offered up a sensible explanation to police. He said he had recently purchased a box of strawberries that were “buy one, get one free.” After not receiving his second box for free, the man decided to take a strawberry shortcut, telling police, “I took the law in my own hands.”

A woman was enjoying herself at a bar when her husband noticed that her wedding band and engagement ring were missing from her hand. When questioned by police regarding the circumstances of the alleged theft, the wife said she had been dancing with another woman who must have stolen the rings right off her finger.

A man off the street entered into a local house of worship and attempted to steal a parishioner’s shoes. He was quickly forgiven, but not before being placed on trespass notice.

Police were called after one driver was passed by a vehicle with a front tire that had burst into flames. Emergency crews later found the abandoned vehicle and eventually tracked down the owner. After speaking with the man on the phone, police say that the man “did not seem coherent” and told the officer that he was “watching a game.” Inside the vehicle, police found several firearms, ammunition, and a computer.

A greyhound statue, turtle wall art, and three coconut statues were stolen from an apartment featuring a truly eclectic collection of items to burgle.

After being kicked out of a bar, an intoxicated man was speaking with police when he pulled a bottle of whiskey from his pocket and began drinking. According to an incident report, the bold boozer then asked the officer if he “had ever had sex with a fat chick.” The least charming man in the world was then taken into custody and his e-cig was placed into evidence.

A church was vandalized when someone spray-painted “Jesus is an adult Santa” on the front window of the building.

Employees at a department store detained a suspected shoplifter. While waiting for police to arrive, the woman began to yell that she needed to go to the bathroom or she was going to “pee on the chair.” While being escorted to the restroom, the woman sprung her pee-flee scheme, running from store employees and escaping through the lingerie department.

A shoplifter was apprehended after attempting to steal a cellphone. While speaking with police, the man said, “Can I pay for the stuff? I have the money for it. I shouldn’t have taken it.”

A few roommates had their Xbox and shotgun stolen from their home. When asked by police how the burglars gained entry, one roommate said he and his housemates leave one of their doors unlocked because they often lock themselves out.

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