Blotter o’ the Week: A child told police that he spotted another kid tip over a portable toilet at a park and set it on fire. In Australia, the flames spin the other way when you flush, but hopefully authorities can bring down this Porta Potty pyro.

An officer was checking out a fake ID outside of a bar late one evening when bouncers carried a patron past and placed him on the ground. Not noticing the officer standing nearby, the determined drunkard hopped back on his feet and attempted to charge his way back into the bar. The man proved persistent, ignoring the officer’s request to turn around and continued attempting to push his way back inside.

A bar employee is suspected of writing more than 40 fraudulent company checks to himself, totaling approximately $8,000. The employee was busted after he was found pulling a little unauthorized overtime in his boss’s office.

An intoxicated man was being escorted from a hospital when he laid down in the middle of the road in protest. In addition to directing a series of slurs at police and hospital staff, the man told officers that he had written a book about police corruption that had been published by the FBI. When officers attempted to arrest this esteemed man of letters for public intoxication, he rolled onto his back and began yelling, “Beat me! Beat me!” according to an incident report.

An intoxicated man was found hiding in the bedroom closet in a stranger’s home. After exiting his hiding spot, the man told police that he broke into the house because he thought the home belonged to his girlfriend, who apparently likes it when he barges in and hangs out in her closet. After being handcuffed by police, the man attempted to flee and was quickly introduced to the ground.

An underage man was attempting to us a fake ID to enter a bar when he was stopped by police. Inside the man’s wallet, officers found another fake ID from another state, as well as the man’s student ID which was wrapped in a note reading “Do not use.” Cool move, dude.

A new renter was ready to move into her apartment when she arrived to find the front door broken, the washing machine missing, and blankets on the floor that looked as if someone had been living in the home. Clearly the Charleston welcome wagon needs a tune-up.

A young man was having a chat late one evening with a few dudes out on the street when one of them said, “Hey, that’s a cool phone. Can I see it?” The unsuspecting young man handed over his phone and went back to his conversation. When the trusting young lad turned back around, he noticed the man with his cell phone sprinting away.

Someone carved “Bitch my man” into the hood of a woman’s car, which seems to be the preferred method of communication for scorned lovers everywhere.

An elementary school student got in trouble for making a paper fortune-teller with the options “Date, Marry, Kill” and showing it around to other students.

Witnesses told police that a man was walking down the street “yelling about being a senator” before he grabbed another man by the collar and punched him in the face. In Columbia, this is what’s known as a filibuster.

An intoxicated man fell asleep on a couch inside a hotel lobby early one morning. Although it was later discovered that he wasn’t even a guest at that hotel, he probably still could have used the turndown service.

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