Blotter o’ the Week: An officer spotted an intoxicated man crawling across the sidewalk late one night in search of his lost pack of gum. According to an incident report, this was the second time the man had spoken with the police that evening, but that gum was just too good to pass up.

Two intoxicated women got into a late-night shouting match when one of the women continued to chase after her former friend, believing she had taken her cell phone. One of the women later explained to an officer that they had been lovers for 17 years, and “This sort of thing happens all the time.”

A woman accidentally set her friend’s room on fire while smoking pot. No one was injured, but everyone learned to find a slightly less-flammable room in which to get baked.

A young woman attempted to steal a bottle of wine from a corner store. When confronted by a store clerk, the woman slapped the employee and ran out of the store.

Officers found an intoxicated man stumbling along the sidewalk early one morning. The man told police that another group of officers had confiscated his wallet, which he was actually holding in his hand at the time. When asked if there was anyone who could possibly come give him a ride home, the man stated that he lived with “Mother Earth.” Mother Earth was apparently unavailable to give him a lift that evening.

A married couple renting a room downtown awoke to the sound of someone moving around in the bathroom. The husband approached the intruder and asked, “What are you doing?” to which the stranger replied that he must have stumbled into the wrong room. The husband told the man to leave immediately, and the couple later realized that their jewelry was missing from the room. Let this be a reminder to all visitors: Charleston rooms do not come stocked with a dedicated bathroom creeper.

Approximately 30 cartons of cigarettes were stolen from a delivery truck downtown.

An officer approached a man sitting on the sidewalk surrounded by empty beer cans. When asked what he was drinking out of the brown paper bag in his hand, the man simply replied “pain killer.”

A restaurant manager approached police to point out an intoxicated man who had inappropriately touched a woman inside the bar. When questioned by police, the man refused to provide ID, but informed the officers that he knew the mayor and would have them fired. After threatening to assault an officer, the man was then treated to a night in jail, where everyone was probably very impressed with his connections.

Two shoplifters walked away with a couple of designer handbags valued at more than $5,500.

An officer pulled over a drunk driver and immediately noticed a 12-pack in the backseat of the car and an empty beer bottle in the floorboard. The officer soon learned that the driver did not speak English. In order to overcome this language barrier, the officer mimed drinking a beer as he asked the man, “Cerveza?” The answer turned out to be mucha, mucha cervezas.

A man called police to report that he was “able to see bombs being detonated from satellite.” Police eventually located the man. Although he was found hanging out in a gas station, the suspicious super spy claimed he was working for the CIA.

Restaurant staff called police after they discovered a loaded 9mm pistol that someone had left in a bathroom stall on top of the toilet paper dispenser. Hopefully, whoever left the gun at least remembered to wash their hands.

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