Blotter o’ the Week: After being notified that he had won $25 million from Publisher’s Clearinghouse, a man was instructed to cash a check he had received for $6,800 and mail back the money he received. A bank teller noticed something was amiss when she was handed the fraudulent check and quickly dashed the man’s million dollar dreams.

A woman was found smoking an unknown substance in a glass pipe while lying down in a public park — you know, really enjoying the great outdoors. When questioned by police about the pipe, the woman said a friend had recommended she smoke something to treat her back pain. The officer then asked what specifically her friend had prescribed, to which the woman replied, “coke.” The major surprise to all of this is that Dr. Feelgood makes house calls.

Approximately $600 worth of leggings were stolen from a lingerie store, which is likely enough to outfit an entire high school production of Peter Pan.

Police were called by store security after a shirtless, barefoot man with a dog attempted to enter the business before recklessly speeding away. Following a brief vehicular pursuit, officers were able to track down the man, who they soon discovered was intoxicated.

A man called 911 and requested an ambulance respond to his home, but refused to explain the specifics of his current emergency. Police soon responded to the man’s home, at which time he told the 911 operator that he would step outside with an “AK-47 and a Glock.” The man eventually walked outside unarmed, telling police that “there were people playing with his phone and he wanted it to stop.”

An icy thief looking to beat the heat made off with an ice cream freezer valued at $1,000. Not cool, dude.

A woman called police to report that she had found her ex-boyfriend lying facedown in front of her apartment with an open beer can sitting next to his head. While the man may be a hapless romantic, this is probably not the best way to win back his former love.

During her early morning paper route, a woman happened upon a Volkswagon Beetle engulfed in flames. A man standing near the vehicle fled the scene when confronted by the woman, and a partially melted gas can was found sitting in the passenger seat of the blazing automobile.

A woman was described as having a “profound odor” of alcohol emanating from her body when police found her lying on a floor. According to an incident report, the woman told medics that she “drank a lot” and then proceeded to vomit, which further proved her point.

Asked by an officer how much marijuana he had in his vehicle, a philosophical young man responded “Just enough to smoke.”

A man was found urinating behind the statue of John C. Calhoun in Marion Square, although it appears to have been less of a political statement and more of a drunken mistake. Later, when asked to hand over his ID, the man passed the officer a Wal-Mart giftcard.

A man approached police while walking down the street and suddenly shouted “We are all going to die.” According to an incident report, the man then admitted to having taken LSD and was having a “bad trip.” When asked how much LSD he had consumed to bring about his doomsday prophecy, the man replied “All of it” and repeatedly asked for Klonopin and water.

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