Blotter o’ the Week: A woman fell asleep and peed herself on a CARTA bus. When the driver tried to remove her with the help of other passengers, one man tried to stop them, threatened to cut a fellow passenger’s balls off, and left the bus with the woman in question — a soaked, modern-day Helen of Troy.

Employees of a West Ashley grocery store watched a man eat three bowls of chili, a salad, and two doughnuts without paying. When he was confronted by an officer outside of the store, he clarified, “I just tasted it to see if I wanted it.”

A male whose age is not clear jumped off a tour boat into the Cooper River and told a medic that he “just wanted to go for a swim.” He didn’t appear to be a danger to himself or others, though three days ago he went to D.C., parked his car at a strip mall, jumped into the Potomac, climbed a Coast Guard station fence, and demanded that a groundskeeper put him in the trunk of his car and take him to the Pentagon “because he is a secret agent,” according to his mother.

“It should be noted that Officer…knows this substance to have the street name ‘lean’ and to be commonly abused.”

Stolen from one vehicle: two paper Adderall prescriptions, two bottles of Adderall, a bottle of Klonopin, and a bottle of Lexapro. HMU, let’s chill.

This week in Victoria’s Secret thefts: A couple is suspected of stealing 40 pairs of panties, valued at a total of $660.

A West Ashley woman took a sleeping pill, headed to the back bedroom of her house for a nap, and slept through someone stealing her 43-inch TV from the living room stand.

A SLED agent stopped to help a man parked on the side of the road who said he lost his phone somewhere on the street. As the agent turned around to block the lane, he noticed a second guy standing on what turned out to be a car trapped by fallen trees. When the second guy noticed the agent, he ran toward the first guy’s car and they both sped off.

A woman broke up with a man “after he became intoxicated and belligerent.” She then received 103 text messages and 59 phone calls from him in less than a week. He also crashed into her car.

A woman showed up to a King Street business responding to calls of a “schizophrenic female flipping out in the store.” She claimed to work there, though store employees denied that she did. After she was taken to the hospital, she admitted she had done a “few lines of coke” earlier in the day.

A couple’s credit card was used at Best Buy for over $7,000, including charges for two iPad Pros and two Samsung Galaxy phones. Whose credit limit is this?

Someone called the cops on a possibly nude male sitting on a park bench under the I-26 overpass. It turned out he was only bottomless for a minute while he changed out of the pants he pooped himself in.

“I have pills on me” is never a good admission, especially if those pills are shaped like Homer Simpson.

When approached by an officer, a man stated that he was NOT stealing from the parking meters. “You can’t steal from these new meters,” he emphasized. He was stealing from the meters.

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