Illustration by Steve Stegelin

Blotter of the Week: A West Ashley woman was caught on security footage placing eight bottles of wine in a shopping cart and fleeing the store, escaping “via an unknown method,” according to reports. I mean she probably had a car, but the mystery of the report makes us imagine her flying away in the cart like a witch on a broom.

Runners Up:

A “known vagrant” caught by officers emptying trash cans onto downtown sidewalks was made to pick up each tipped can and put the trash back inside before being cited for disorderly conduct. Seems like the police took note of our suggestion to treat the community like toddlers.

Five pairs of sunglasses were stolen from the same vehicle parked downtown. Despite how often it happens, we don’t like to pick on the victims in these entries, but come on, man you only have one pair of eyes.

Officers noticed a “suspicious bulge” in the pants of a man sitting on a downtown sidewalk. Likely to their relief, and ours, it was discovered to be a 16-ounce can of beer.

A car driving through West Ashley caught fire from the engine compartment, and by the time police arrived, the entire vehicle was charred. Pro tip: At least check YouTube for DIY oil change tutorials next time.

A downtown man police spotted sipping from an open can of “Sex on the Beach,” told officers they were just jealous because they weren’t “getting any.” Wait. Does drinking a Sex on the Beach count?

That Graffiti Incident on Daniel Island last week included other vandalism that  included the phrase “WEE” followed by a “penis symbol,” apparently all in pink spray paint. Still unsure what a “penis symbol” is.

Possession of a small amount of marijuana alone will likely only get you a warning these days, but that plus a dreaded 2% window tint violation will get you a court date, apparently.

Spot the real crime: Two pairs of shoes and three pairs of sunglasses were stolen from a downtown store, totaling nearly $4,000 in stolen goods. (Hint, it isn’t the shoplifting.)

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