What’s a Donk? Well, it’s kind of like pornography: You’ll know it when you see it. What? That’s not good enough? You need more? OK. Look for a boat of a car — like an Oldsmobile or an Impala — painted the color of a Blow Pop and sporting rims that would fit on Godzilla’s ring finger. They’re big, they’re larger than life, and they’re better than that suppository-shaped hybrid your smug, granola-eating neighbor drives around town. If we had a Donk, here’s where we’d drive it.
1. The Battery. Don’t you know that nothing gets the blue-haired blue bloods all hot and bothered more than a big ole Donk?
2. Angel Oak. The Angel Oak is like the oldest tree in the world. She’s seen it all. So it takes a lot to impress her. Your tricked-out ride surely will.
3. Folly Road. It’s summertime, and that means that all roads leading to Folly are jam-packed. What better way to stake out your piece of the street than with a car the size of the Kraken’s schlong?
4. I’On. The streets here are not known for their width. Will your big Donk even fit? That’s what she said.
5. Atlantic Avenue. We’d only go there between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m., and we’d drive around with our windows rolled down, whistling, whistling away.
6. The Park Circle circle. If we had a Donk, we’d call her Princess Playa and we’d paint her the same glittering purple as Prince’s trench coat in Purple Rain and we’d drive her around and around and around this loop until we puked a purple stream of Nehi grape soda.