Best Supporting Actress

Marissa Tomei– Thank you for getting naked, but you have as much chance of winning the Oscar as Joe Pesci does of winning a court case in Southern Alabama.  When they open the envelope this time, there will not be a mistake

Penelope Cruz- If I knew going to Barcelona meant having a threesome with Cruz and Scarlett Johansson I would have gone a long time ago.  Oh, wait.  I did go.  And I ended up in a bed withmy best friend. Screw you Javier Bodem.

Viola Davis- Strong performance of a woman protecting her young gay son.  Or is it?  I know one thing without any Doubt, she will not be winning the Oscar.  Give this girl a tissue.

Taraji P. Henson- Run, Forrest, Run.  Oh, wrong movie.

and the Oscar goes to:

Amy Adams- She is so luminous as the naive little nun.  And we all know this is a make up Oscar to her getting robbed for Enchanted.

Best Supporting Actor

Robert Downey, Jr.- And the best black face goes to…

Philip Seymour Hoffman- I love PSH as much as the next unemployed actor.  But he should just sit in the back doing a little script analysis because he won’t be any where close to the podium this evening.

Michael Shannon- Look on the bright side, the next off Broadway show you do for $375 a week will at least be able to put Academy Award Nominee in your bio.

Josh Brolin– He was awesome in this movie.  So angry.  So Right Wing.  So Straight.  So …alive…

and the Oscar goes to:

Heath Ledger- Awesome performance+hot young actor+ Drug overdose= Posthumous Oscar

Best Actress:

Melissa Leo- I think we used to wait tables together.

Angelina Jolie- Not Without my Daughter 2.  Girl Interrupted 2.  Not Without My Oscar 1

Anne Hathaway-I saw this movie in Allentown, PA.  I went into a gas station to ask where the movie theatre was.  They told me.  Saw the movie.  Went back to same gas station after movie.  Woman asked me if I found the theater and what I saw.  I said Rachel Getting Married.  She said, “Are You Gay?”

Meryl Streep– I am less shocked that she got nominated for this than the fact that she didn’t get nominated for Mamma Mia.

and the Oscar goes to:

Kate Winslet– This movie was boring.  But she gets naked.  A lot.  And that is award enough.

Best Actor:

Richard Jenkins- I’m so happy for the dad from Six Feet Under.  Hope he enjoys the free swag, because that will be the only thing he is taking home tonight

Frank Langela– “I am not a crook.”  You also aren’t a winner at tonight’s Oscars.

Brad Pitt- Oh, wow, they really had some cool makeup on you Brad.  Too bad your performance was as plastic as the latex on your pretty little face.

Mickey Rourke- Call this The Eddie Murphy Rule.  Are they really going to give an Oscar to Mickey Rourke.  Really?

and the Oscar goes to:

Sean Penn- So good, so convincing, so politically correct.

Best Picture:

Curious Case of Benjamin Button- Long-check; emotionally manipulative-check; Cate Blanchett-check.  All the elements are there for an Oscar win, but not this year.  Adopt another kid there Brad.

Frost/Nixon- Journalist taking down a Republican President-check; historically significant-check.  But it is a new day, hope is in the air, and there is no room for a Republican in the spotlight

Milk- Man sex- check; Sean Penn-check.  Man this is close, but oh, man Emile Hirsh is a sexy queen, but…call Hugo Chavez, Sean, he’ll make you feel better

The Reader- Did anyone see this movie?  It’s aight.  It’s no Boy in the Stripped Pajamas.

and the Oscar goes to:

Slumdog Millionaire- Not only is this movie brilliant, but most of us in America are as broke as some slumdogs and who doesn’t want to become a millionaire.  And nab that hot Indian chick.  Yum Yum Curry.  She’ll make my flat bread give rice pudding any day of the week.