Former intern Myles Hutto is a pretty funny guy. He’s also an ace reporter, and in this case, he used his reporting skills to uncover the awful, feathered-covered truth about the Hudson River crash landing. Read on:

It’s for the Birds

A new kind of terrorist takes flight

BY Myles Hutto

America changed forever on Sept. 11, 2001. As the World Trade Centers crumbled to the ground, a culture of fear and hysteria rose from the rubble. Eight years of George W. Bush’s foreign policy have tarnished America’s reputation. A proud nation that was once the champion of freedom has slowly eroded into what most of the world would call an international bully. 

The War on Terror continues to be a controversy that would certainly have the framers of our Constitution reaching for their muskets. While the Central Intelligence Agency has worked diligently to sniff out potential threats to national security, Americans have watched blow after blow dealt against personal privacy. In these turbulent times, however, maybe things like the Patriot Act are necessary. 

Today, America’s enemies are different from those of our forefathers. Terrorists do not fight wars in the traditional sense. They wear no uniforms and have no ties to nations. Now Americans have far more to worry about than “evil” Russians and Islamic Jihadists. Now it seems that we have to worry about a well-trained army of attack geese.

On Jan. 15, 2009, U.S. Airways Flight 1549 set out from LaGuardia Airport in New York City before crashing shortly thereafter in the Hudson River. While all 155 passengers aboard the plane survived, tragedy was averted thanks to  the quick thinking of Capt. Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger III. The crash is believed to have been caused by a flock of Canadian geese which were sucked into the plane’s engines. 

The government wasted no time addressing the terrorist attack. Immediately the terror threat level was raised to Burberry, and the C.I.A. began its search for answers.

“We’re still unsure whether the geese were working alone or in conjunction with the Canadian government,” says Michael Hayden, outgoing director of the C.I.A. “A formal investigation has been launched and we’re following all possible leads.”

Leon Panetta is set to take over as director of the C.I.A. under the Obama administration. The investigation will undoubtedly set an early precedent for the untested new director as well as Obama’s presidency.

“We’re committed to bringing the perpetrators of these terrorist acts to justice. This is not just some wild goose chase,” Panetta says. “Well actually it is kind of a wild goose chase. Damn it, irony!” 

“Isn’t it ironic?” asks Canadian songstress, Alanis Morissette via a phone interview.

“This may be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” said Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “Don’t you think Canada has better things to do than antagonize the U.S.? I mean, come on. It’s hockey season.”

“Clarence,” a C.I.A. operative who asked that I change his name for the sake of anonymity has spent the last week disguised as an old man on a park bench, working undercover to see if he can pick up on any suspicious chatter among the ducks and geese. 

“Whoever these guys are, they’re good,” Clarence says. “They’re damn good.”

In their search for the answers, the C.I.A. has become increasingly desperate to find who was behind this attack — and if more attacks are planned.

“Agents came to my door asking for my parrot, Polly. Do you have any idea how disturbing it is to watch a bird get water boarded?” said Debbie Johnson as she sat stroking a single red feather in her hands. “He kept saying ‘Polly want a cracker. Polly want a cracker.’ He didn’t know anything, but they wouldn’t stop!”

Sobbing, Johnson adds, “Polly never got that cracker.”