Dear Justices Alito, Roberts, Scalia, Kennedy, and Thomas,

Hello, this is Leah’s Uterus. I know, surprising, right? But today, you can also call me Ragey McRagepants because I’m really pissed off right now.

Here’s the lowdown: In my time on this earth, I’ve done a couple super-cool things for Leah, hereafter known as “my owner.” For instance, I carried a baby! For nine months, I bent and stretched and grew from something the size of a mango to something bigger than a watermelon. During that time I provided a safe haven to a baby so beautifully stubborn she had to be cut out of me. Yes, that’s right. I’ve been cut open, had a six-pound parasite ripped out of me, and been sewn back together.

That was, I’m sure you understand, a bit of a trying experience. After that, I began to cause problems. Every month, when it was my owner’s lady-time, I’d cramp so bad she had to lay down and curl up into a tight little ball until her Advil kicked in. I’d cramp so bad her back would scream all the way up through her shoulders. And — sorry, I know this is gross, but you seem intent on controlling my life, so it’s only fair I share the gory stuff, too — I bled so much each month I quite literally made my owner’s head spin. Yes, that’s right. More lying down from anemia and exhaustion, all because I felt like being a pain.

So one day, my owner talked to her lady doctor about all my issues. The lady doctor suggested that she take a little piece of plastic called an IUD and put it all up inside my business. The process of putting in this IUD was incredibly painful, but my owner survived. And you know what? After that, her life got better. I stopped with the cramps, and I stopped with all that heavy bleeding, all thanks to that little piece of plastic.

So, what does this mean to you? Well, in the case of Burwell v. Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc., you stated that a secularly formed corporation could decide not to purchase insurance for its lady employees that would cover the medical procedure that improved my owner’s life tenfold simply because it was against that secularly formed corporation’s religious beliefs. You said that because a corporation’s owners believe life begins at fertilization, and that little piece of plastic may prevent a fertilized egg from implanting in my uterine wall (though science argues otherwise and says it works in different ways), that corporation wouldn’t have to help me out.

And although, Supreme Court Judge Alito included in his opinion language stating that this decision should be narrowly applied to closely held corporations and these four types of “abortifacient” birth control methods, the following day you, the Supreme Court, sent numerous cases back down to their various appellate courts to be reheard based on the precedents set in Burwell. Some of those cases included all forms of female-centric birth control. Will female-centric birth control no longer be covered by any corporation claiming to hold any religious beliefs? Is that where we’re headed? If a corporation decides it doesn’t want to shoulder the cost of a woman’s right to take charge of her own body, her own baby-making timing, will it now get to claim a religious exemption? All because you voted to allow Hobby Lobby to do so?

Maybe I’m reaching. But as a uterus that’s caused some problems and finally found a great solution that has nothing to do with anyone at my owner’s husband’s employer (which helps pay for our health insurance) — and certainly has nothing to do with you, Supreme Court — I’m concerned. What if, some day, my owner needs to try something new, only to find you’ve made it impossible for her to get the care she needs?

I’m definitely reaching, Supreme Court. I know I am. But I told you, Ragey McRagepants. You’ve stepped into my world, my owner’s world and tried to tell her how to live her life. You’ve taken the needs of the rich owners of a corporation and held them to a higher level of importance than those of the women working for that corporation, who, judging by minimum-wage levels, probably need all the help they can get.

So thanks, Supreme Court. Thanks for thinking you know better than my owner and her doctor. Thanks for limiting women’s rights, and thanks for continuing the Religious Right’s war against women. You’ve really made me proud to be an American.

All the best (and rage-filled) wishes,

Leah’s Uterus

Help keep the City Paper free.

No paywalls.
No newspaper subscription cost.
Free delivery at 800 locations from downtown to North Charleston to Johns Island to Summerville to Mount Pleasant.

Help support independent journalism by donating today.