[image-1]It’s likely that you’re not super familiar with Charleston’s flag. It’s basically just the city’s seal on a blue background. If you don’t know what the city seal looks like, don’t worry — it’s nonsense. At its center is a woman with a claw hand reaching toward what appears to be a stretched-out sea horse spitting on her forearm. Below her is the word “Carolopolis,” so we’re going to assume the woman’s name is Carol. Anyway, Carol isn’t really cutting it as a flag.
Anyone who’s kept up with the news in the city of Columbia (no real need for that) is well aware that the city is looking to redesign its current flag. The flag is basically just the city’s seal — again, a nondescript woman — surrounded by corn and cotton plants on a cornflower blue background.
[image-2]Yeah, it’s bad. It’s not a good flag. But neither is Charleston’s. And at least Columbia is looking for suggestions. Anyone can currently submit their recommended designs for the piece of fabric that should represent the city of Columbia, and maybe Charleston should do the same. With absolutely zero input from the city about changing the flag or anyone really asking us to do so, here are out recommendations for Charleston’s next flag.
The Ohio flag
For some reason, a lot of people in Charleston are originally from Ohio. First things first, this is OK. We should welcome anyone to our fair city, regardless of their Midwesterness. Playing off that theme, maybe Charleston should base our flag on Ohio’s state flag, which is oddly pennant-shaped. Fun fact: Ohio’s state flag is called “The Ohio Burgee” and officially requires 17 steps to fold. That’s a lot of steps for no reason. Here’s the Charleston seal incorporated in a way that marries the two perfectly.
Rep Yo’ Self flag
Charleston has been voted the “No. 1 City” in many major publications. Columbia has been coasting on its “Famously Hot” catchphrase. Maybe we can use our flag to cash in on this international prestige, while being extra saucy.
Every South Carolinian is familiar with the state flag. A gorget and a palmetto tree on a deep blue background — how can we tie this into Charleston? Well, let’s just incorporate the name of a local hero who isn’t from Charleston at all. At least he likes us. Everybody loves him. Have you heard, Bill Murray doesn’t have an agent. He receives movie offers on his answering machine. Let’s just pop his name on the flag. Screw it. Who cares?
Maybe we can keep most of the city seal and simply include our rich culinary heritage? Sure. Let’s try that.
While we’re on the topic of food and fine dining, Charleston is about more than just slowly cooked pork products. How about we salute our city’s favorite meal with all the subtlety it deserves. Ever been to Charleston? Someone has probably told you brunch is a must. It really is a must. Otherwise they’ll hurt you.
Finally, here’s our best option — the Tecklenflag. Salute Charleston’s first new mayor in 40 years by plastering his visage on the city’s flag. Don’t be concerned about placing our current mayor’s face on the city flag, which will wave long after he has removed himself from office. We can always look up to Mayor John Tecklenburg’s smiling face long after he has fulfilled his role as mayor.