Look, I’m not happy with what they’ve done with Huck Finn. But I understand it. They want to make this literary classic more acceptable for younger readers. And Lord knows, we need to get more kids reading.

However, I simply will not stand for what they plan to do the greatest literary work of the 20th century: Hunter S. Thompson’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

A spy within an unnamed publishing house recently sent me an advanced copy of the revised Fear and Loathing. I will share a portion of it with you despite a stern warning that doing so will jeopardize my career in the newspaper business.

Read it below and judge for yourself if the powers that be have simply gone too far in their efforts to woo younger readers:

“The trunk of the car looked like a mobile candy store. We had two bags of gummy bears, seventy-five Jolly Ranchers, five feet of cherry Twizzlers, a salt shaker half full of Red Hots, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored Nerds, Gobstoppers, Sour Patch Kids, Pixie Sticks … and also a quart of Jolt Cola, a quart of Hi-C, a case of Sunny D, a pint of Hawaiian Punch and two dozen Caprisuns … Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious sugar rush, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the Jolt Cola. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of a Jolt binge. And I knew we’d get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.”