What’s with all the pee crimes this year, Charleston? We lost track of how many stories we read about miscreants micturating on magnolia trees, tipsy tipplers tinkling through town, and woozy weirdos whizzing wildly on Wentworth Street.
We’ve collected the best/worst moments from this year’s Blotter entries, including a few choice pee tales, and asked you to vote for your favorite online. We’ll reveal the winner (loser?) in next week’s issue.
Police responded to the scene of a tire-slashing and found drops of blood on the ground nearby. Rookie mistake.
A customer at an Asian restaurant ran up a tab of $74.19 and left without paying. He really sake’d it to them.
Police responded to a report of a man lying down in the teller line at a bank. When asked how much he had to drink that day, the man replied, “Everything.”
Answering how much he had been drinking, a man replied, “I can’t put a number on it.” When asked why he couldn’t put a number on it, he said, “Ugh, because I’m in college.”
After pulling over a man who was driving 57 mph in a 45 mph zone, police discovered that the man was also watching a video on his iPad while driving … and he had an open bottle of malt liquor in the center console … and he had a baggie of weed in the car.
A landscaper claims that someone stole a weed eater, an edger, a trimmer, and two leaf blowers from his work trailer. If the perpetrator ever gets caught, his ass is grass.
Five men were charged with stealing two BB guns and a messload of BBs. Stockpiling for the impending squirrelpocalypse, no doubt.
A man who was issued a citation for peddling without a permit told police, “I had a hamburger on layaway. I guess I can’t get it out now.”
After coming up short on money to buy booze at a convenience store, a man tore a shelf off the wall and threw a bottle of pickled eggs at the cashier.
Optimist o’ the Year: A man who was living in a house with a broken door lock waited six days to call the police after he discovered that his laptop computer was missing. When asked why he had waited so long, the man replied that “he thought someone may bring his computer back to him,” according to the police report.
A woman screamed “I’m gonna murder all of you” while swinging around a metal tennis racket. We hear her serve is killer.
Police found a drunk man kicking a door and shouting profanities on a second-story fire escape. When the cops told the man to come down, he sat and scooted down the steps until he reached the landing where the officers were standing. In the incident report, one officer writes, “He was unable to answer basic questions when asked and [said] he did not have any legs.”
After a collision on the road, a man and a woman pulled their cars into a parking lot. The man, who had hit the woman while attempting to pass her in his Cadillac, told the victim that his name was Shackman, that he was from California, and that he owned Domino’s Pizza. Then he drove off without exchanging insurance information.
According to the friends of a man who was arrested for public disorderly conduct one afternoon, the man had been drinking a lot and needed to sleep it off. Only instead of sleeping it off, he was dancing around barefoot in the middle of a busy intersection with his pants around his ankles and his penis hanging out.
A loss prevention officer stopped a man and a woman before they could shoplift two packs of bed sheets valued at $245 in total. They didn’t even get to make their bed before they had to lie in it.
Heroin Hiding Place o’ the Year: In a prescription bottle labeled “medical marijuana.”
Somebody stole all four 17-inch wheels and tires from a man’s truck and replaced them with 16-inch wheels and tires.
During a wedding in a hotel courtyard, a hotel patron on the second floor waved from his room window to get the wedding party’s attention and then rubbed his butt and genitals against the window.
Somebody stole a $300 crown from a drag queen contest.
Cops stopped a man who was running down the sidewalk with what they described as “two large objects protruding from underneath [his] shirt.” It turned out they were stolen beef briskets.
Police caught three men in Citadel uniforms peeing in the same driveway at the same time. In his incident report, the officer wrote that he “saw an arching flow of liquid emanating from the offenders’ groin[s] and making small pools of liquid on the ground.”
A woman walked outside one morning and realized that someone had left a four-pack of mandarin orange fruit cups on the roof of her car. She was also missing a revolver from inside her car’s center console. Even Stevens?
Txt Msg Dis o’ the Year: “You a bitch made mother fucker and the biggest piece of dog shit ever put on earth.”
Police responded to a report of someone lighting a fire in the woods near downtown and found a man jumping around near the flames while shouting “Fuck you, white Nazi trash” and holding a two-foot nail over his head. The cops had to Taser the man twice before he quit fighting.
A man says he had just walked out of a corner store when three strangers approached him and one asked, “Did you hit my sister?” The man replied, “Who is your sister?” and then one of the strangers hit him in the face with a golf club. When he got up from the ground, he realized he was missing his cell phone and money.
When the management of a bar asked a disorderly man to leave the establishment, he unzipped his pants while walking down the interior stairs and peed all the way down.
A man told police that his weed dealer stabbed him in the thigh because he didn’t pay in exact change.
Jackasses o’ the Year
5 According to a police incident report, a school teacher who was charged with a DUI “repeatedly stated that she was a good person and that [the officer] would be lucky to have his children taught by her.” She also said she hoped the officer would “burn in hell.”
4 After running from police through Charleston Place, punching a man who tried to stop him, and trying to bite an officer, a man who was suspected of stealing from a downtown office told police he was experiencing chest pains. After he was taken to the hospital, he called the nurse who was attending to him a bitch.
3 After a cop pulled a man over and discovered that he was driving with a suspended license, the man took a page from the Reese Witherspooon playbook and said, “Do you know who I am? I am a doctor, and I have received multiple awards.” After he was arrested, the man said, “I have a trip to Africa scheduled, and people are going to suffer because you’re taking me to jail.”
2 A cop crossed paths with a woman who was driving the wrong way on the Don Holt Bridge and weaving around between lanes, forcing other drivers to swerve to dodge her. After the officer turned around, caught up with her, and asked if she would submit to a sobriety test, the woman said, “No,” then “Yes,” then “Wait … what?” Then she started yelling at the officer, firemen, and paramedics, saying things like “My boss is going to have all of your asses” and “I’m a fucking paralegal; I work for a lawyer.”
1 A man reportedly banged on a cab driver’s window and cursed him out after refusing to pay a cab fare. The man’s girlfriend, who arrived on the scene and paid his fare for him, then became the object of his wrath, and he followed her into a nearby fast food restaurant and called her a bitch. When officers came to arrest the man, he kicked an officer in the stomach and said, “Suck my dick.” During the course of his ride to the jail, the man spit on at least three different cops.
Insane Overreaction o’ the Year: When a customer at a convenience store paused at the counter to consider whether he wanted a bag of Doritos or a Kit Kat bar, the clerk allegedly pulled out a handgun and waved it around while shouting, “Come on! Come on!”
A man who was supposed to be under house arrest was seen walking down the street twirling a two-and-a-half-foot samurai sword. When police caught up with the man and asked what he was doing, he said, “Just walking down the street to my dad’s house.”
All-American Badasses o’ the Year
4 When a taxi passenger punched the driver in an argument over a fare, the cabbie stepped out of the vehicle and flagged down a police officer. The passenger took off running, so the driver chased him down and put him in a full-nelson hold until the officer could catch up. Do you smell what the cabbie is cooking?
3 A man told police that he was in his apartment one night when he saw two car thieves in his vehicle. He ran outside as they started the engine, grabbed onto a bar near the driver’s seat, and held on as the thieves drove down the street and collided with a parked SUV. The man says he then punched one of the thieves several times in the face before the two ran off toward a nearby marsh.
2 After receiving a call about two aggressive pitbulls on the loose in a neighborhood, a police officer pulled up and saw the dogs rooting through a trash bag near where a little girl was standing in a front yard. The cop got out of his car, opened one of the back doors, and got the dogs’ attention. The two pitbulls charged at him, and he grabbed the first one by the scruff of the neck and threw it into the vehicle. The second dog bit him on the thumb, but then he got control of that dog and put it in the backseat as well. Animal Control arrived later and removed the dogs from the police cruiser with a snare pole.
1 A 79-year-old woman was walking to her car in a parking lot when a shoeless man ran up and tried to take her purse. The woman held on to the purse until the man gave up and ran away.
When a man started dancing on the bar at a club, the DJ got on the microphone and told him three times to get down. Finally, a bouncer came and pulled the man off the bar. Maybe this was all a simple misunderstanding about the meaning of the phrase “get down.”
Police arrested a man who was on the run from U.S. Marshals on a cocaine warrant and found several erectile dysfunction pills in his pockets. Guess he couldn’t keep it up forever.
A man threw a shit-fit in a bowling alley restroom around 1 a.m. and punched two holes in the wall. Guess you could say his evening really went down the gutter.
A man shoplifted an $88 bottle of cologne from a department store. Eau de humanity!
Late-Night Quote o’ the Year: In a crime report about a late-night mugging on Upper King Street, an officer noted, “Despite the dozens of onlookers, [the officer] was only able to locate one sober witness.”
Around 1 a.m. in a downtown bar district, a woman held her friend up while the friend vomited on the sidewalk. As the vomit spewed, curious onlookers gathered around to shoot video of the incident. A police officer walked up to ask if the puker was OK, and the woman who was holding her yelled in response, “Fuck off!”
Outstanding Parent o’ the Year: A loss prevention officer watched as a woman handed a basket full of clothing to her seven-year-old son, who then tried to walk out of the store without paying. When a store employee stopped the little boy and brought him to his mother the mom scolded him, and the boy replied, “But Mommy, you told me to.”
Police received a report of a man standing on a street corner urinating on passing cars. When an officer arrived, the man brandished a butter knife, and the cop warned him, “Drop the butter knife or you will be tased.” The man dropped the knife into some bushes and then started undressing, at which point the officer arrested him on a disorderly conduct charge, searched the bushes, and found some singed steel wool and a pusher stick used for smoking crack.
Police found a man sitting in a driveway “nude, sweating profusely, and extremely disoriented,” according to an incident report. When officers asked the man for his name, he replied, “I don’t have any bath salts,” then he started “grabbing rocks, fondling his penis, and throwing his body onto the ground.”
o’ the Year
8. A firewood log
7. Three garden gnomes
6. A book
5. A necktie
4. A bicycle tire
3. A slice of pizza
2. A hot oyster
1. A birdcage with a live bird inside
Police Report Quotes o’ the Year
4. “The vehicle sustained fictional damage to the driver side rear fender.”
3. “The offender was asked why his breath smelled of alcohol, and he advised [the officer] about aliens. When asked if aliens put alcohol on his breath, the offender said, no, but it might have been spilt on him at the party he was attending.”
2. “Through officer’s training and experience, ‘weed’ is common slang used to refer to marijuana.”
1. “When asked, the offender stated he was unsure as to how the machete got into his backpack.”
Candidates for blotter o’ the Year
1 Around 7:30 p.m. one night, a man walked into a bar covered in blood and started picking fights with customers. After the bar’s manager threw the man out and called police, officers caught up with the man in a nearby parking lot and saw that he was bleeding from his nose. When they tried to talk to the man, he started “flailing his arms wildly around and spitting blood in all directions,” according to an incident report. He was arrested on charges of public disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.
2 Police found a man spinning around in circles in the woods while holding a four-inch knife and talking to himself. He had gold spray-paint all over his mouth, face, hands, clothes, arms, and feet. As the officers escorted the man out of the woods, he explained that he hadn’t been huffing paint, but that he sprays the paint on a rag and puts it on his mouth. According to the incident report, he went on to say that “When the devil worshipers come after him and try to orally sexually assault him, the paint gets on their genitals, and he can use that information to prosecute them.”
3 After dancing naked against a wall in a fast food restaurant, a woman pulled her clothes back on, slipped away as a police officer was handcuffing her, and then led the officer on a chase through the parking lot. The cop noted in the incident report, “These actions of the offender caused McDonald’s customers to pause and look upon us.”
4 An ice cream truck driver was selling ice cream to some neighborhood kids when a man stormed out of his house, pointed a 9mm pistol at her, and shouted, “There is no fucking soliciting in this neighborhood.” The driver and the kids fled around the corner, and the man with the gun later surrendered to police and said he had made a dumb mistake.
5 When officers arrived at an apartment to break up a physical dispute and told a man to turn around so they could search him, the man put his hands on the wall, shook his butt, and said, “Wait, let me start twerking for you … Uhn, I’m twerking it … Twerking.” Later, after being arrested and asked what kind of drugs he was on, the man said, “You all don’t understand, I am an intellectual. You can understand an intellectual.”
Check out next week’s issue to see who won our online reader’s poll and will take the crown as Blotter of the Year.