Jailbirds love to chat. Recently, one of the newly released was sitting in the lobby of the Charleston Police Station, waiting to get a bag that was confiscated during his arrest. Upon learning we wrote the blotter, the man told us one story after the next regarding his many run-ins with the police. Having slept a few nights in the county lock-up, he looked homeless. He had a home, though — we know because one of several arrest stories involved an incident in his front yard. Pleasant guy. Nice conversation. But none of that is here. This space is for the perps and suspects who worked hard to tickle our funny bone.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added cartoons and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

Exchange O’ The Year: “Why do you think I was stealing? Because I’m a black man in your store?” “No, I think you were stealing because you were crawling behind my counter on your hands and knees.”

A New Year’s argument that ended with three lost teeth allegedly started with this exchange: “You smile like a bitch.” “That’s what your girl said.”

An officer was trying to administer a roadside sobriety test at an accident scene, but the suspect kept calling the cop “Mommy” and refused to stop when asked.

Overheard at the police station: “If Johnnie Cochran was still alive, I think I’d have a case.”

The victim in a car vandalism case told officers that she’d recently filed reports against two men. Asked if there was anyone else that might be a suspect in the case, she said there were “too many to list.”

Beginning a roadside sobriety test, a woman was asked if she had contacts. She replied, “I don’t have any contacts here, but I can give you some: my mom, my dad.” The officer then tried to clear things up by asking if she had contacts in now. The woman responded, “My girlfriend,” referring to the passenger in the car.

Drunk Math O’ The Year: Asked how much she had to drink, a DUI suspect told officers, “Four drinks plus one drink.”

Harassing Phone Call O’ the Year: “You don’t know me, but I saw the pic you sent my homeboy, and I want to hit that.”

A bike patrol officer found a woman drunk and passed out in front of a Market Street business. When she was unable to call any of her friends to come get her, he arrested her for disorderly conduct. Of course, she complained that the officer had better things to do, saying repeatedly that she had several friends who had been “raped and murdered” this semester. Yes, officers should leave the sleeping, slobbering drunk ladies alone on a downtown street and go save vulnerable, helpless women … wait a second!

An ex-boyfriend was harassing a downtown woman, leaving messages like, “I’m going to get you,” “Watch your back,” and “I just want to talk.” We probably would have gone with that last one first.

A woman arrested for public intoxication said her father was an NFL referee and that the officer’s “favorite team is fucked this year.”

Reporting that someone broke her screen door, a woman gave police a suspect’s name that she thinks might have done it … maybe. “He could have been drunk and done something stupid like this,” she said, before noting, “If it wasn’t him, it could have been another one of my drunk friends.”

Cartoon O’ The Year: In a King Street shoplifting case, one of the four unknown suspects was a transvestite and another one was dressed like a pimp. “He had a hat on and talked like he was in charge,” a store manager told police.

A man arrested for driving under the influence was on his way to jail when he asked the officer if he “could just sweep this under the rug and go to the Waffle House.”

Odd Stolen Items O’ the Year: A bag full of Bibles and prayer books, an entire glove box, a kayak, a Jaguar hood ornament, a chef’s cutlery set, fishing knives, the door handle to a Toyota Sienna, a tattoo gun, a graduation cap and gown, a purple jump castle, a trombone, a stand-up string bass guitar, and a trumpet.

Strip Club Parking Lot Quote O’ The Year: “I’m drunk, I looked at some tits, and now I’m fucking going to jail.”

Kitchen Crew Threat O’ The Year: “You better bring your knives when you walk to your car.”

Among the items stolen in a home break-in were a gold chain with a pendant that read “SEXY” and a ring with the Virgin Mary on it. We’re going to assume they weren’t worn together.

The lost cash in a gas station holdup included an unknown amount sitting on top of the safe. Sure, where else would it be?

A man accused of hitting his neighbor’s car in an apartment complex parking lot initially claimed they were both victims of a hit and run: “Gosh, how do two cars get hit in one night in the same parking lot?” Officers were able to match the damage and issued a ticket. Joking, the suspect said it wasn’t a hit and run, it was a “hit and stay.”

A victim reported fraudulent charges on his check card, including one to an online Christian dating service. This must be that guy we’ve been hearing about who makes the good girls go bad.

Police Report Quote O’ The Year: “The suspect looked very surprised, put the bong down, and then hung his head in a dejected manner.”

Suspicious of two men loitering in the parking lot of a West Ashley shopping mall, an officer asked one man who they were waiting for. He said, “A white guy, short, kind of looks like you.” Asked separately, the other man said, “His name is Tyrone. Tall, black guy.”

A victim reporting an assault appeared to be intoxicated. Asked what year it was, the man said, “The year of our Lord Barack Obama.”

Police identified a suspect in two armed robberies downtown by his bike, the gap between his front teeth, and the Blow Pop in his pocket.

A young man was arrested for public drunkenness 44 minutes after turning 21.

Allegedly driving her car into a ditch, a woman told officers she started drinking “after I got out of church.”

A man who had allegedly dumped a full cigarette butt receptacle in the middle of the street told officers that he was looking for cigarettes with some tobacco still left in them.

Excuse O’ The Year: Trying to defend his actions in a vandalism case, a suspect told officers, “I threw a brick at him, but it missed him, and it struck the car instead.”

Notified of an intoxicated man yelling at pedestrians, officers found him shirtless, wearing only a bathing suit and one sock. The man told officers that he’d been drinking downtown “with all the other people you aren’t bothering right now.”

Accused of assault, a man told police the victim was trying to be funny, and he “wasn’t in the mood for jokes.”

Drunk O’ The Year: “Yeah, let’s go to jail, wooooo!”

Roadside Parental Advice O’ The Year: After her daughter was charged with driving under the influence, a mom’s only advice was, “Whatever you do, don’t blow.”

Responding to a call that shots had been fired, police arrived to the scene to find the victim in “an extremely emotional state.” Turning around to show a bullet hole in his back pocket, the man yelled, “I’ve been shot in my ass!” He won’t have to kiss that ass goodbye, though. The bullet was found lodged in his wallet.

Drunken Outburst O’ The Year: “He’s got crack up his ass! Arrest him now!”

The victim in a bar fight was later arrested for public drunkenness after he kept taunting one of his alleged assailants. Officers noted that the victim kept staring at the offender and “asking him questions.” Damn, Alex Trebek. Just go home.

A man wanted for a bad check tried to avoid arrest by giving officers another name. His attempt failed when the officer noticed his real name was tattooed on his arm.

Police were searching a man accused of causing a disturbance at a gas station when they found a large knife. Asked what it was for, the man said it was to stab people because he didn’t have a gun to shoot them.

Asked if he had any guns, drugs, or explosives in a car, a suspect told officers, “I don’t have any drugs or explosives.”

A fight broke out in the kitchen of a popular downtown restaurant because the dishwasher got upset when a busboy kept bringing more dirty dishes. It ended with the dishwasher knocking two teeth out of the busboy’s mouth. The teeth couldn’t be found.

Almost Home DUI O’ The Year: “Are you for real, really? I live right there. This is such shit.”

A man found passed out on a city park bench told officers he “was just trying to enjoy his time in Houston, and he wasn’t doing anything wrong.” He later told officers he “wished he was back in Charleston with his friends.”

Pundit O’ The Year: “I can’t wait for Obama … I mean Osama bin Laden to come and blow your ass up.”

Caught with what looked like 17 small bags of heroin, a suspect told police they were “just filled with sugar.” It turns out that he wasn’t a drug dealer — just the Tooth Fairy’s archenemy.

A woman carrying a knife claimed her man hit her with a pole. But he successfully defended himself by arguing to officers that “he did not hit her with anything, due to the fact that he could not get close because she was attempting to cut him with the knife.”

Hot Night O’ The Year: Among the items pilfered in a shoplifting incident at Walmart: three cans of Icehouse, four tubes of toothpaste, a toothbrush, a can of deodorant, a bottle of men’s body wash, a bottle of anti-fungal foot powder, five boxes of Trojan condoms, a bottle of Vaseline, and a bottle of olive oil.

Congrats O’ The Year: “Good luck, while it lasts for you. Am I bitter about it all? What do you think?”

A man suspected of public drunkenness told officers he was “the drunkest man in Charleston.” Unfortunately, there is no charge for public drunkestness.

Questioned after getting caught begging for money, a man told police he needed the cash to do his laundry and get some food. “How else am I supposed to get money?” he asked. When the officer suggested he get a job, the man said, “Who the hell wants to do that?”

The suspect in an assault case claimed he was Caesar, Jesus, God, and Allah. He then said he was going to steal people’s souls and sell them to the devil. Which is so something Caesar would say.

Fashionista O’ The Year: “Why the fuck are you messing with me — don’t you see the shirt?”

Scholar O’ The Year: “There is nothing wrong with begging people for money. It says it in the Bible.”

Asked to read the consent forms prior to a Breathalyzer test, a DUI suspect told police, “I can read. I’m just so fucked up right now, I can’t.”

Patient Officer O’ The Year: “The responding officer successfully convinced (the suspect preparing to pee on a wall) to cease the behavior and place his genitals back into his pants.”

After being pulled over, a man said his erratic driving was due to a manufacturer’s recall of his car that caused it to shake. The officer had to explain that the reason he was pulled over and the reason the car was shaking was because the driver’s side front tire was flat.

Seven newspaper boxes were stolen over a two-day period. Each was valued at $400, not including the change in the box. Considering the decline in daily readership, we’d put that estimate at about 75 cents, a buffalo nickel, and a used button.

Weapon O’ The Year: A bag of chicken

Investigating a domestic dispute, cops were convinced that a suspect was hiding in his home, refusing to answer the door. They could hear the shower running and a delivery guy arrived with a Chinese food order that the man had called in.

A police report noted a DUI suspect’s “shoes were off of her feet and on the floorboard,” her “skirt was pulled up, revealing her upper legs,” and her “shirt was not buttoned all the way, exposing her stomach.” Eyes up here, officer.

Blotter O’ the Year: A suspect told police, “You know, I had a dream of kicking somebody in the balls, and you, sir, officer, I think you will be that person.”