Another year, another accolade from the well-heeled tourists who read Condé Nast Traveler. No. 1 city in the United States, you say? Well, here’s the side of Charleston that doesn’t look so nice in your Instagram photos.
A woman was stretching in her driveway one morning when a man rode his bicycle down her driveway carrying six fishing rods he had stolen from her shed. When she asked the man what he was doing, he said, “Going fishing.”
While walking backward to get a better angle for a picture, a woman fell down a 4-by-6-foot hole in a sidewalk and cut her leg so badly that she needed stitches.
Police found a man camping out behind a vacant house near The Post and Courier office with a massive collection of newspapers.
“Oh shit,” a man said as a bag containing 24 grams of weed fell out of his jacket pocket directly in front of a police officer.
A man walked into a Chinese restaurant looking for work, and the manager said he’d give the man a trial run making deliveries. At the end of the one-night trial run, the man kept the $432.08 he had collected, failed to deliver to his last two customers, and never returned to the restaurant. That’s pretty low, mein.
A convenience store clerk says a man walked into his store and stole two crates full of cigarette lighters. Prometheus strikes again!
An officer watched as a man bought Xanax pills from a dealer on a sidewalk directly in front of him. The officer caught the buyer, but the dealer got away and is now on the alprazo-lam.
Typo o’ the Year: A police incident report describes a suspect as wearing a “red button-down shirt, blue jeans, and gay shoes.”
Somebody stole a trailer that was used by a gyro restaurant to cater events. Let’s hope the thief isn’t a re-pita-fender.
Somebody accidentally broke the front window of a store that repairs cracked iPhone screens.
A loss prevention officer says a shoplifter walked into a store, sat down in an motorized wheelchair, and placed $78 worth of merchandise in the wheelchair’s front basket without paying. When an employee tried to stop the woman at the door, she sped off in the chair, jumped into a red convertible, and burned rubber.
A man robbed a bank at gunpoint while wearing a white hazmat suit, orange safety vest, and dust mask. Must’ve been handling some toxic assets.
A man stopped to pee on the side of the road and saw a red laser light shining near the ground. He walked closer and realized someone had dropped a .380-caliber pistol with a laser accessory and five hollow-point rounds in the magazine. A sixth round was in the chamber of the pistol.
In the middle of the afternoon, a man lay down in a busy intersection in front of a CARTA bus, stopping traffic in all directions. When vehicles started honking at him, he shouted profanities at them and threw papers in the air. When police asked him to move to the sidewalk, he replied, “Make me! I’m the motherfucking man!” The motherfucking man was arrested on a charge of disorderly conduct.
Passive-Aggressive Crime o’ the Year: A man who was storing a trailer in his front yard received a note from a neighbor saying that it was “disrespectful to the neighbors” to leave the trailer there. Two days later, he discovered his trailer was missing and then found a sign posted near the front of the neighborhood indicating a “free utility trailer” at his address.
Somebody stole 1,900 feet of power cord from the Festival of Lights display at James Island County Park. Seems like a surefire way to get a lump of coal for Christmas.
Impatient with the service at a bar, a man pulled out his balls, placed them on top of the bar, and pointed at them. According to a police incident report, the staff noted that the man “was heavily intoxicated when he displayed his genitals.” One would hope so.
A night-shift employee at a gas station convenience store was caught on camera stealing $3,700 worth of gift cards, $1,700 in cash, a carton of menthols, and an entire rack of cigarillos from the store while singing the Britney Spears song “Oops!… I Did It Again” to herself.
When asked about an open bottle of wine he was carrying down the sidewalk, a 19-year-old told police, “It’s a large bottle of water.” Must’ve been coming from that wedding party in Cana.
Pee Crimes o’ the Year
• While being arrested for peeing in the bushes in front of a grocery store, a man told police, “I pulled my dick out to take a piss and they came and interrupted me. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. A man can take a piss! I was trying to take a rest.”
• An officer found a man passed out behind the wheel of his truck. When the cop woke him, the man said that he had no idea how he had gotten there and that he had to pee. The driver then got out of the vehicle and started peeing on the road. The cop waited for the man to finish and then arrested him on charges of public intoxication and indecent exposure. In a report, the officer notes that the man “became agitated again as he was determined not to let go of his penis.”
• A man walked out of a bar at about 2:15 a.m., leaned on a parked vehicle, and started peeing on it. An officer waited until the man was finished peeing and then placed him in handcuffs.
• Around bar closing time, two women squatted behind a tourist info kiosk to pee together. When an officer spotted them, they both stood up with their panties at half mast and then pulled them up. One of the women admitted she was “18 going on 19” and had been drinking liquor drinks all night.
• After watching a man look around, walk into some bushes, unzip his pants, and start urinating, a police officer walked up and asked the man what he was doing. “Not peeing,” the man replied. His pants were still unzipped.
• When a police officer confronted a man who had walked down an alley to pee on a wall, the man said, “I am urinating at home. Why are you bothering me? I am on my property, and I am at home.”
• While out on the town for a bachelor party, a gentleman decided to whip out his penis and pee on an SUV that was parked on the street. When a cop asked the man why he had decided to use the restroom alfresco, he replied, “Can we just move past that?”
Bad Trip o’ the Year: Some guys received a Snapchat from their friend showing himself taking hits of acid. When the friend’s roommate called them to say the man was tripping hard and trying to get out of the apartment, they rushed over and tried to keep him contained. While they successfully kept him from running out the door, they were unable to stop him from jumping out of a second-story window. Police found the man shirtless, sweating profusely, and screaming about “sleep” and “Virgin Islands.”
Outlaw Quote o’ the Year: After swerving around a cop car and ignoring a stop sign, a man on a moped told an officer, “This a scooter, bro. I ain’t gotta stop for no stop sign; this shit’s illegal.”
A change machine was reported missing from a movie theater arcade. If caught, the thief will be given no quarter.
An ex-employee of a dermatologist’s office is accused of embezzling $7,466.05 from her employer. Sounds like she really had some skin in the game.
An officer looked inside a parked vehicle with the engine still running and found the driver asleep at the wheel with her fly unzipped and the smell of vomit wafting out into the night air. When she came to, the woman said, “I knew I was too drunk to drive, so I parked my car.” The car was parked on a sidewalk downtown.
After getting thrown out of a bar for spitting on and threatening to kill a bar employee, a man reportedly stood out on the sidewalk and shouted, “Fuck you and this city!” Right back at ya, bud.
The owner of a taxi company sent a potential employee out on a probationary assignment. The man picked up several passengers that night, made about $350 in fares, returned the vehicle, and never handed the money over to his employers. One passenger also called to say that the man had been selling drugs out of the vehicle.
Weirdly Blasphemous Behavior o’ the Year: Police dispatch received a call saying that a man had climbed the scaffolding on the exterior of a church building and was “riding the building like a horse.” Two officers climbed the building so they could bring the man down to the sidewalk and ticket him for disorderly conduct. They noted that the man smelled like alcohol.
A cop busted a couple having sex in the backseat of their car near the Battery. When the officer interruptus‘d their coitus, the woman stormed out saying, “Yeah, you caught us having sex, but we ain’t done nothing wrong.” Then the officer found 28 grams of weed in the car’s center console.
Drug Stashes o’ the Year
• A glasses case
• A wading boot
• An empty chip bag
• A cardboard box half-wrapped in wrapping paper
• A tissue box
• A plastic teddy bear
• A fast-food bag full of chicken nuggets
• A slit in the waistband of a pair of boxers
• A teapot
• A Nivea container
• A pocket of a child’s jacket