It takes the work of a lot of special people to make the blotter happen. From the brave men and women of law enforcement to the proud few who are willing to move beyond the boundaries of normal decency and common sense and do the remarkable. This time each year we look back at those who make our community just that much more special. To the fresh-faced students with poor impulse control and the weekend warriors just letting off steam, to the clumsy criminals and everyone in between — for the best that the blotter has to offer, we salute you.
A man was found lying on the ground with an open container of alcohol. When questioned, the man said he was, “Doing what homeless people do.”
Late one night, police received a report of an unconscious man asleep on a sidewalk. The officer arrived to find the man lying face down on the ground with his pants around his ankles and his buttocks exposed. Police questioned the man once he regained consciousness. The man was unable to tell officers where he was from, and when asked what year it was, he said, “Barack Obama.”
A young woman clad in yoga pants let her pug run free inside of an office supply store. When another customer asked her to restrain the pup, the woman began screaming and slapped the customer in the face.
A man called police to report that his “friend” had stolen his pain medication. He told officers he had known the suspect for some time from the “Folly Beach bar scene,” but could not provide her phone number, address, or last name. The suspect had been staying with the man for the past two days, but he chased her away following an argument that erupted when she refused to wash her fork.
A drunk man urinated on himself while attempting to break into what he thought was his own home. In his defense, he was only half a mile off.
Police responded to a restaurant regarding an intoxicated man who was causing a disturbance. Officers arrived to find the man had removed his prosthetic leg, and he was unable to reattach it.
Pee Crime O’ the Year
A man entered a convenience store late at night, walked over to the refrigerated drink aisle, unzipped his trousers, and peed on the floor and bottom shelf. Then he walked back outside and talked to some people who were standing out front. As he was being arrested for public urination, the man said, “I messed up, and I shouldn’t have done that. I thought I was outside.”
An officer on the lookout for an intoxicated pizza delivery driver found the man exiting a residence after dropping off a few pies. According to an incident report, the driver smelled of a “fruity alcoholic beverage” and his eyes were bloodshot. It turns out the pizza wasn’t the only thing that was baked. When questioned by the officer, the driver said, “Weed makes me stupid, but I hate weed. These college kids didn’t have enough for the pizza, so they let me hit the bong once.”
A young man was thrown out of a bar late one night. When an officer approached to question him, the man took off running and collided with a lamp post, knocking himself unconscious.
Police were flagged down at a gas station in reference to an unconscious man in the parking lot. As the officer approached the man, he jumped up and began to stumble away. When the officer asked how he was going to get home, the man replied, “I am going to walk home — to Scottsdale, Ariz.” The officer was able to contact the man’s brother who drove him back to their hotel, which was, in fact, not in the Scottsdale area.
Police responded to a report of a car that was stuck in a fountain. The car’s owner eventually showed up, stumbling around and reeking of alcohol, and said he didn’t know how his car got there and that someone must have taken his vehicle.
After yelling obscenities and racial slurs at a state trooper, a man told police he was “just trying to lighten the mood,” according to an incident report.
As an officer approached a man found trespassing, the suspect dropped a small glass pipe and crushed it with his foot. When asked what he just dropped, the man responded, “Just a little stem, man. I was trying to be respectful to you.”
Police responded to a report of a man who was passed out on the sidewalk in front of a restaurant covered in waffle fries and chicken. They woke him up and arrested him on a public intoxication charge. Eat mor chikin, dreenk less booz.
An officer was patrolling late at night and found a man lying on the sidewalk with his shirt open and his legs hanging out in the roadway. The officer had to rub the man’s sternum to wake him up before arresting him on a public intoxication charge.
An intoxicated man urinated in the middle of the bar at a popular downtown steakhouse.
A woman walked out to her car and found two business cards on the windshield. One card said, “Hey, You suck at parking, Up Yours, Learn how to park asshole. Next time I’m going to key your shit, idiot.” The other card said, “Wow, you’re an idiot, please shut up, Do us all a favor and never have kids. Try reading a book, moron.” Both of the cards were pre-printed, not handwritten. The woman also found some scratches and a dent on the trunk of the car.
Several people flagged down a police officer late at night and said they had seen a man nearby with his penis hanging out. The officer found the man and arrested him, later writing that the man “was looking at his genitals with a confused look on his face as if something was wrong.”
John C. Calhoun Statue Crimes O’ the Year
After a man from Georgia got caught urinating on the northern side of the John C. Calhoun statue in Marion Square, he told the officer that he was doing it because he “did not agree with the beliefs of John C. Calhoun,” according to a police incident report. • A police officer caught a man peeing on the base of the John C. Calhoun monument in Marion Square. It did not appear to be a political statement. • Somebody tossed three balloons full of red latex paint at the John C. Calhoun monument in Marion Square and ran away.
A 17-year-old says she found someone online who said she would send her an SUV via Air Force transport in exchange for $2,000 worth of Amazon gift cards. The teenager sent the gift cards, but the vehicle never arrived.
A police officer responded to the scene of a car accident and found a woman behind the wheel with pizza all over her face. The officer asked her why she had pizza on her face, and she replied, “I was eating pizza.” The officer asked if she had been drinking, and she said, “Yes, this has been a long time coming.” Her blood alcohol content was 0.22.
A man was attending a 50th anniversary party when he decided to photo-bomb some women who were taking a group picture at the end of a dock. He says one of the women caught on to what he was doing, placed her hands on his shoulders, and “kneed [him] in the balls really hard.” After calling police to report an assault, the man pulled up a picture of her on his phone to show it to an officer, explaining that they are Facebook friends.
A man walked into a seafood restaurant and demanded a free hamburger from the bartender, explaining that it was “Free Hamburger Day.” When the bartender refused, the man raised his voice and said, “I’m the only cop out here today, and this is my beat,” before pouring some water on the bar. When police arrived to arrest the man on a disorderly conduct charge, he said he had “only had a bottle of liquor and couple of beers today.”
While responding to a noise complaint, police found the offender alone in his apartment listening to the radio. He told police he was celebrating his birthday.
An officer found a military ammunition can sitting in a store parking lot. The can was filled with 2,822 rounds in a wide variety of sizes and styles, including .45-caliber rounds, 12-gauge buckshot, and high-power .22-caliber rounds. The can also contained two CO2 canisters, a bank money bag, a holster, and two games and a memory card for the Playstation 2.
When a police officer made contact with a woman who was drinking from a can of beer at a bus stop, she said, “I’m Michael Jackson. I’m allowed to drink beer at the bus stop if I want to.” She’s bad.
Weapons O’ The Year
A metal chair • A chainsaw • A wooden board with nails sticking out of it • A skateboard • A spiked warhammer • A broomstick • A laptop charger
Several sales representatives at a homebuilding company signed up for a motivational speaker’s $300-plus seminar before one of them Googled the speaker and discovered he had been accused of ripping people off and cancelling events across the country.
A man was walking on the sidewalk carrying a pizza when a stranger grabbed the ‘za and ran off. He chased the stranger to a parking lot and yelled, “Give me the fucking pizza.” The pizza pilferer reportedly replied, “OK, man, chill out,” and then punched the man in the face. Police caught up with the pizza thief and arrested him on an assault charge.
When an officer caught a woman drinking a beer at a bus stop, she angrily told the officer that she had to drink because she was pregnant and the doctor told her to. Doctor’s orders!
An animal trapper says somebody stole two raccoon traps, four squirrel traps, a long-handled and a short-handled dip net, a double-sided pickax, a pair of snake tongs, a catch pull rod, and a long-handled shovel from his front yard. The varmints are revolting!
After getting arrested for indecent exposure, a man told a police officer, “It’s my dick, I can touch it if I want. Am I not allowed to touch my own dick? Are you going to touch it for me?” The officer did not touch it for him.
While police were questioning a man who had been carried out of a bar around 1:30 a.m. and passed out on the sidewalk, they asked him if he knew who the president was. He answered, “T-Pain.”
For the second time in a month, a cashier caught someone urinating into a beverage cooler at a convenience store. This particular guy agreed to pay $76.97 to cover the damage to the cases of beer he had peed on.
An officer noticed a man in a downtown parking garage unzip his pants and begin to urinate. The man told police he has a medical condition that requires him to urinate often. This is also known as the involuntary pee plea.
After police caught a man peeing in an alleyway about five feet away from a porta-potty, the man said he did not know it was illegal to “piss in public” because he was from New Jersey, where he urinated in public whenever he wanted.
After getting patted down by police, a man got flabbergasted and said, “I don’t have shit on me. What do y’all want me to do, shit out some weed?” It turned out he had three baggies of weed and a baggie of crack cocaine in his underwear. He did not have to shit them out.
Around 2:30 a.m., an officer saw a man twirling a pair of nunchucks around in the middle of a crowded sidewalk. The man then grabbed a handkerchief out of the pocket of a passerby. After the officer arrested him on a disorderly conduct charge, the man said he had been trying to start a fight with the hanky’s owner because he was a hipster.
A police officer watched as a man walked into the middle of a street, “exclaimed an obscenity that referred to his penis as he pointed at his crotch area,” and then started whizzing on the street. If you’re gonna whiz in public, you might as well whiz boldly.
Around dinnertime, an officer was flagged down by restaurant staff after a man approached the front of the building and began to unzip his pants. The man went on to urinate in full view of customers who didn’t know they’d be getting dinner and a show.