Illustrations by Steve Stegelin
If you think cops get excited about clamping down on criminals, you should see our elated faces when we show up at the station to find mounds of police reports. In the business of skewering Charleston’s criminal element, more is always better. While the Blotter is always good for a few laughs, we hope this year’s Best of the Blotter will offer a few tips as well. For instance, don’t play with a knife during a heated phone argument.
Or, always wear a chastity belt to a domestic dispute.
10 Threats O’ The Year
• Unfortunate Comment to One’s Own Mother: “You’re a dead woman.”
• “I’m going to kill you eight ways.”
• “If I see you or your kids on the street, you know what time it is.”
• A woman called the police to report threats from her ex-boyfriend. Some of the messages ranged from, “You fucking slut, I’m going to kill you” to “I want to get married.” And you thought you’d never find that special someone ready for a committed relationship.
• Fashionable Threat: “It won’t be long before your mom is wearing a black dress to church.”
• “I’m going to show you what downtown is all about.”
• A crutch was left outside a woman’s home with a post-it note that read “Bitch.”
• An unknown woman left a message on a Daniel Island man’s voicemail, stating “I just want to let you know that very bad things shall be happening to you in about one week. Precisely, someone may be dead in your future, and somebody, such as yourself, may die. Good day.” Hey, Charleston isn’t the most polite city in the country for nothing.
• “I don’t want to have to come back and leave you for dead.”
• “The only reason why I can’t kill you now is because I don’t want my fingerprints on anything.”
Four Drama Queens O’ The Year
• Children in a James Island community were playing in the street when a Ford Explorer came barreling down the road. The driver yelled to the children to “get out of the way,” and brandished a handgun. Perhaps the horn was broken.
• A woman filed a complaint with police that a former member of her neighborhood association was sending deceitful letters to other members of the board to get her thrown off. She also said that every time he sees her, he begins yelling lies about her. Witnesses include Susan, Lynette, Bree, and Gabrielle.
• A young woman was trying on a dress at a downtown boutique. When the owner suggested the woman try a larger size, the shopper became enraged and ripped the dress off and ran out of the store. Oh, that humiliating mile of fabric between a size 0 and a size 1.
• A downtown teacher called the police because of a difficult student. When the police arrived, the student said he wanted to “do his fucking homework.” It warms the heart to see a young person so focused on schoolwork.
Five Fights O’ The Year
• Two patrons at a downtown sushi joint found themselves in a verbal dispute with a bar employee over their tab. The bartender allegedly hopped over the bar and began assaulting one of the men, who received bruises on his arms and a large cut on his face. Bonsaiii!
• Fighting Words: “Juicy, box her ass!”
• Two girls were arguing as they got off the school bus when one girl’s stepfather arrived and picked up a brick, telling the other girl, “Leave my daughter alone.” The two girls got into a fight, rolling around on the ground, until the girl with the brick-wielding guardian kicked the other girl in the face and fled with her dad. See, 7th Heaven gets cancelled and the whole world goes to pot!
• A Florida man told police that he was in the passenger seat of a car when he got into a fight with a friend in the back seat. The man began hitting him in the back of the head until he fled the car and notified police. We’re pretty sure the argument started with one word: Shotgun.
• A man was heading to church on a recent Wednesday night when he saw a man who attends the same church. Politely asking if the man wanted to go with him, the other man shoved his way past and continued heading down the street. “I guess you don’t want to go to church,” the churchgoer said, prompting the other man to turn back around, grab a five-foot pipe, and begin beating him over the head. That’s not a “No” — that’s a “Hell No.”
Four Drug Busts O’ The Year
• Bogus Cocaine Explanation: “That ain’t nothing. That’s just laundry soap.”
• A man was caught trespassing in a downtown parking garage. When asked for identification, the man gave the officer court papers from a previous arrest for trespassing in another parking garage. As the officer was reading the document, the man asked “if I could get one last smoke in before going to jail,” and pulled a crack pipe out and put it to his mouth. Well, I guess the cop would have found it anyway and it was polite to ask first.
• A fellow recently arrested for possession with intent to distribute told police that he had been visiting a girl that night and that the pants he was wearing weren’t his and he didn’t know whose they were. Now that’s a party.
• Worst Drug Hiding Spot (Heck, Maybe Worst Ever): Under a cop car.
10 Drunks O’ The Year
• Best Drunken Description of the Field Sobriety Test: “Borderline Nazi stuff”
• A man shot two holes in his closet and one in his hand after a bad Braves game. He apparently passed out drunk, then woke up later, slipping in either blood or booze and breaking his wrist. Dude, the Orioles lost 30-3 and nobody got hurt. Cope.
• An officer found a man stumbling around a West Ashley apartment complex. The man said that he had driven “three white girls home” and forgotten where he parked his car. “It’s somewhere in a dead end near a Mack truck.” In fact, it was near a Mack truck, but it wasn’t parked as much as it was sitting on top of a security gate card kiosk.
• When asked to count backward from 99 to 90, the suspect stated “99, 89, 99, 97, 98, 97, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 91, 90, 89, 89, 81.”
• Police responding to a car accident noticed that one of the drivers seemed intoxicated. He failed the alphabet test, and when police asked for his phone number, he told them, “559-54310.” When the officer told him that there was an extra number there, the man responded, “I don’t know my phone number. I don’t call myself, you know.” The officer informed him that he was going to be arrested for DUI, and the man said, “Just because I had four or five beers at seven o’clock don’t mean I’m drunk. You’re discriminating against me cause I’m real tall and got long hair.” The report notes that the man then laughed so hard at himself that he almost fell over.
• A man arrested for public drunkenness puked in the cop car on the way to the detention center and again in line waiting to be processed. “The responding officer was able to smell a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage coming from both puddles of vomit.” No, we certainly don’t pay these guys enough.
• An officer found a 19-year-old College of Charleston student sprawled out on the sidewalk. He asked for her ID, and she handed him her bank card. When he asked a second time, she handed him a gift card. Shop ’til you drop, girl.
• A man pulled over for driving under the influence told officers in advance that he would try the alphabet test, but that English wasn’t his native language. He then failed the test, starting with “ADAFG.” Things went downhill from there.
• An underage drinker booked for public drunkenness said, “I didn’t know Charleston city cops were such douch bags.” When told he should take his arrest seriously, the kid replied, “I’ve got a 3.8 GPA. They won’t do shit to me.” You know, we should change the drinking age from 21 to however old you are when you stop using your GPA as a sign of intelligence.
• “While awaiting processing at the detention center, the subject urinated in her pants and on the floor.”
Five Weapons O’ The Year
• Two potted plants
• Phone charger cord
• Pink walking stick
• Fishing pole
• Table leg
Five Domestic Disputes O’ The Year
• A man’s ex-girlfriend came to his house and was let in by his roommate to collect her things. Instead of getting her stuff, she began smashing items around the house, including four picture frames, a gold watch, and a wooden keepsake box. As if that weren’t enough, she fled the house with the dude’s yellow lab, which was soon returned to him after she checked herself into a psychiatric hospital. And they all lived happily ever after.
• With so many gnomes entering the market after the Al Parish auction, it was no surprise to see a spike in gnome-related crimes. One week, a man allegedly threw a gnome through the window of his girlfriend’s apartment when she wouldn’t open the door. He called later to say, “Did you see what I did?” A few more stories like this and we imagine the city will organize a gnome buy-back program.
• A man went to a West Ashley department store to see his wife, but things got heated when he grabbed her shirt and started yelling. She ran into the store’s back room, but he followed her, pulling her hair. The woman got away through a back door and drove away. What was the argument about? The woman’s husband accused her of having his wedding ring. We’re still scratching our heads over that one.
• A man was arguing with his “baby’s momma” on the phone when he tried to stick a knife into his kitchen table, missed the table, and stabbed himself in the leg.
• Question for Dr. Phil: “I was with her four hours ago and now she is there fucking some other guy. Who does that?”
10 Thefts O’ The Year
• A man reporting a home burglary noted that the items missing included his TV, computer, and wall-mounted fish, which will likely be returned … unless it’s the kind that sings.
• A downtown man in his 30s realized a package addressed to him had been opened and the contents stolen. Inside the box? Three Stray Cats CDs, worth $29. We here at the City Paper suspect another ordered item may have included a guide to losing one’s virginity.
• Three Different Odd Five-Finger Thefts: Four empty kegs, six Looney Tunes jackets, and a mop bucket.
• Odd Five-Finger Theft: 36 nutcrackers.
• A security officer at a local tourist attraction reported that his utility belt was lifted from his car, though there was no sign of forced entry and the car was locked when he found the belt was missing. The utility belt items included: a 9mm Glock with a full clip of hollow point ammunition and two clips of target ammunition, three sets of handcuffs, a Stinger stun gun, an M6 flashlight, an expandable baton, mace, and a flip-out 4-inch knife. The officer says he thinks it may be one of two disgruntled workers … or maybe it’s someone looking to invade Daniel Island.
• Unrelated Ironic Thefts: Five prepaid cell phones and a criminal justice textbook
• A moped was stolen. It has the following stickers on it: “Yoda Loves Me,” “N’Shit,” “corporaterocksucks.com,” and “Jesus Wasn’t White.” Police should be on the lookout for Darth Vader, Joey Fatone, any member of Daughtry, or the ghost of Jerry Falwell.
• Stolen Item Victim is Better Off Without: Two “decorative rocks.”
• A Charleston Market vendor reported her purse stolen from underneath her table. Items lost in the purse included the regulars (license, credit cards, gum) and four pieces of sterling silverware (a fork, two spoons, and a knife) valued at $300. You know, we don’t like those plastic sporks they give you at KFC either.
• Recently, a man tried to steal a gold mouthpiece from a Folly Road shop, telling the couple who owned the shop that he would pay for it later. The husband chased after the man, following him into the middle of the road. His wife was in the process of calling police on her cell phone as she followed them in her car. The alleged thief came up to the car, took her cell phone, and punched her in the face. It was not clear from the report if the woman was also wearing a mouthpiece, but let’s hope for her sake that she was.
• A woman reported someone had stolen her day planner from her car. Police should stake out the Rosenbaum conference at 10:30, “lunch” at noon, and the manicurist at 4:30 for potential leads.
Five Not-So-Sexy Blotters O’ The Year
• A group of people leaving church saw a naked man smashing a guitar on the basketball court across the street. When the naked man noticed the crowd, he put the guitar down, turned around, and bent over, shaking his own musical instruments at the horrified congregation.
• Since November 2006, a 50-year-old woman has been receiving sexually explicit phone calls from several men who found her number posted in a few areas downtown as an advertisement for phone sex. One caller told her that he found her digits in a portable bathroom on a Laurens Street construction site. Thankfully, the ad was politically correct, as it was written in both English and Spanish.
• A man walking his dog in Brittlebank Park noticed another man urinating with his penis in plain view of children on a playground. When approached about his indiscretion, the pee-happy dude said, “If you would have been here one minute earlier, I would have done it in your mouth.”
• A James Island woman complained that her neighbor was approaching her, saying, “Do you want to have sex?” “How do you like it? Rough?” and “I would hate for your body to end up in a ditch.” That’s what happens when people read Playboy while watching Nancy Grace.
• A woman told a coworker that he should call her on her cell phone if he had any work-related problems. That night, he sent her a text reading, “Next txt will be available 2 u wheneva u want it!” The next text was a picture of an erect penis with an attached statement, “Whenever U Ready!” We would have replied, “Pic 2 small 2 see clearly. Call Megadik 4 help.”
Five Unfortunate Statements O’ The Year
• “You don’t have a goddamn reason to lock me up.”
• “You will have to shoot me to take me to jail.”
• “I broke the law. I want the queen to pardon me.”
• The longest stream of unfortunate comments ever: As an officer was walking the Market at closing on a recent Saturday night, a man bumped his shoulder as he walked past. The officer turned to see the man, who shouted to the cop, “Why don’t you suck my dick?” He then said, “What the fuck do you want?” and “I don’t give a shit, lock me up, I make my money.” Unwilling (or likely unable) to provide personal information for a police report, the man was taken to the police station. During transport, he said, “As soon as I get out, watch what happens.” And, upon arrival at the station, he yelled to a female correctional officer, “You’re black, so I’m not even gonna mess with it, I’ll beat your ass.”
• When asked for his drivers license during a traffic stop, a man provided what he referred to as an “international drivers license.” Buddy, this is South Carolina! There ain’t nothing international allowed around here that don’t get served with pancakes.
Five Damage Reports O’ The Year
• A man was driving on Shadowmoss Parkway near Levin Court when his truck ran into a nearly transparent wall of plastic food wrap. The plastic wrap was stretched across the roadway in thick layers from one “Speed Hump” sign to another. Instead of breaking, the wrap slid up onto the hood of the truck, bending the radio antenna at a sharp angle, then snapping it. The antenna broke the truck’s windshield, causing $500 in damage. Wow, who was setting booby traps in that neighborhood, Scooby Doo?
• A woman parked her car overnight on a side street behind her apartment, only to wake up the next morning to find a cinder block wall had collapsed on it. It was either an act of God or a pissed off Transformer.
• A King Street shoe store reported a break-in. Nothing had been taken or damaged, but someone did leave a dump in the employee toilet. What’s the fine on something like that, anyway?
• A man reported that his apartment had been vandalized, with ketchup poured out in the refrigerator, eggs broken in the washing machine, and toothpaste spread over the bathroom counter. That would be a crime if men actually ate anything without ketchup, cared what their clothes looked like, or ever used a toothbrush.
• Odd Damage Report: Couch falls on fence, causing $200 in damage.
BLOTTER O’ THE YEAR
A man filed a complaint about an argument with his wife that turned a little violent (she bit, choked, shoved, and slapped him around). Then it turned really violent (she “tried to stick my penis in my butt”).
The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.