A former employee allegedly used a man’s personal information to purchase more than $11,000 in sushi ingredients.

A downtown bar patron smacked a girl on the butt and then refused to leave. When officers asked how much he had to drink, the man replied, “That’s an understatement.”

Famous Last Words: A dad was incensed over a school policy that refused to return a cell phone until his son had served out an afternoon of detention. “Either give me my phone or arrest me,” dad told police. Guess what happened next. Hint: You won’t be able to reach him on his cell phone.

Police walked up on a car sitting on the side of the road and found a man passed out across the front seat. He told officers that his driver left a bit earlier to go get some gas. Asked how much he had to drink, the man said he didn’t know, but “maybe a case.”

A neighbor has been harassing one local woman, allegedly yelling at her, blocking her way, and waving a mysterious bag full of unknown items. Listen, we didn’t want all the Girl Scout cookies that we ordered either, but we used a bit more tact when we peddled them off on our neighbors.

Police found crack and two glass pipes in a suspect’s car. The man pleaded with officers, saying that he understood a charge on the crack pipe, “but please overlook the crack.” Upon further questioning, the man said, “Since I am being honest, let me tell you something. I was coming over here to meet a prostitute. Just please let me go.”

Threat O’ The Week: “I am going to jail tomorrow because I am going to box you in your face.”

Items Stolen This Week: Six GPS units, four bikes, three iPods, and two laptops.