Blotter O’ The Week:

When officers pulled a James Island man over for suspected DUI, they noted that he had trouble getting out of the car and that his eyes were partially closed. He stayed silent for a long period of time before blurting out, “I’m just coming from a Mardi Gras party.” Well, if that wasn’t an admission of guilt, we don’t know what is.

A man, 5’4″ and 180 pounds, had been frequenting a downtown coffee shop while wearing a pair of tight white biker shorts. The visits continued without incident for three months until a recent day when he pulled up his shorts so far that he allegedly exposed his personal bicycle pump to a nearby table of coeds.

Two men riding their mountain bikes down a West Ashley street were forcing drivers into the path of oncoming traffic to avoid hitting them. In their attempt to elude police, one biker hit an officer with the back of his hand. The two eventually gave up on peddling and ditched the bikes for a foot race, but were still caught. Sorry, fellas, but Hell’s Angels isn’t just a frame of mind.

A woman phoned police after her boyfriend had busted in her front door. When he found she’d locked herself in the bedroom while she called for help, he punched a hole in the door. “Guess what, motherfucker,” he told her. “You’ll open the door next time.” But, of course, there is no door for her to open next time. Thanks.

Threat O’ The Week:

“If you dump your shit in my bushes again, we’ll have big problems.”

When officers were frisking a woman, they felt a “large piece of stiff paper” in her crotch. She claimed it was a sanitary napkin, but it turned out to be a yellow envelope containing weed. Dry protection you can almost count on.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.