Blotter O’ The Week:
A man known only as Smurf, apparently because he’s short (not blue), was attempting to collect drug money. When the buyer couldn’t pay, Smurf threw a porcelain knick-knack through her apartment window. Smurfs are, like, so cute.
Wrong Thing to Say to a Cop O’ the Week: Man arrested for drinking in public tells female officer, “I’m a fucking man, and you’re a bitch.”
A person seen pouring a bag of sugar down a man’s gas tank was identified as either the man’s baby mama, or Tom filming another episode with Jerry.
Police noticed a parked car resting on its front axle in the street. Officers asked the driver if she had been drinking, to which she replied, “Pretty sure I’m pretty drunk.” And to think the money we’ve wasted on high-tech Breathalyzers.
Patriotic Drug Packaging O’ the Week: Heroin bundles with American flag stamps on them, labeled “White America.”
Potential Threat (or Promise) O’ the Week: “I got something for you when you come home.”
An apparently drunk man pulled up to two young girls and said, “I’m feeling emotional,” and told them repeatedly to get in his car. The girls ran away. The man went home to listen to Air Supply and wonder what they had that he doesn’t. Oh, that’s right. They weren’t perverts trolling for girls.
Found Item O’ the Week: An infant’s tombstone in the kitchen cabinet on a boat. Creepy.
Apparently Stoned Shoplifter O’ the Week: A woman attempted to steal the following items: Visine, sugar, Kool-Aid, canned pineapple, Chef Boyardee spaghetti, Rice-A-Roni, corn, milk, and butter.
The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.