Blotter O’ the Week:

A woman claimed a man assaulted her during an argument when he “pushed a refrigerator” at her, cutting the top of her foot. Might we suggest, as a follow-up, ripping light posts out of the ground and making them spell out dirty words.

Nuff Said O’ The Week: Keys left in armrest of the car.

Enough was enough when a woman told police someone had poured chocolate milk on her father’s car for the third time in two weeks. Now we know what happens to hot chocolate during the off season.

A jewelry store owner attempted to thwart thieves by holding on to the back of their car. Not surprisingly, the car started and dragged the man for a short distance before he let go. If he’s willing to take a chance on an allegedly abusive muscle man with a weak spot for refrigerators, we’ve got an idea for a security officer who could, in fact, stop that car next time.

Bikes stolen this week: nine

iPods stolen this week: five

Drunk O’ The Week: “L,M,N,O,G,H,A”

A woman reported that someone had stolen her library card and checked out DVDs. Oh, those horrible fans of Sense and Sensibility, The Complete BBC Series. Have they no shame!

Passive Aggressive Taser Plea O’ The Week: “Fuck you. Just kill me. You will never take me to jail.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.