The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

On April 4, a 48-year-old man walked out of a King Street grocery store with two 24-packs of Natty Light without paying for them. As an officer on security patrol approached him, the man dropped the beer on top of a trash can and ran. Was it the cop, or the realization he’d heisted some stank-ass beer?

On April 16, management at a West Ashley motel received numerous complaints from guests about excessive noise coming from one specific room. A cop walked by the room, and when he smelled pot smoke, knocked on the door. Inside, he found four underage boys with several cases of beer and a couple of pot baggies in the nightstand. Their parents should probably be happy the cop didn’t find any K-Y Jelly.

A man called 9-1-1 from a downtown apartment building on April 15, saying he’d been shot by a man wearing a black mask. Cops arrived on the scene, but couldn’t find the victim or reach him at the number he had called from. They did, however, find a .380-caliber shell, a pack of Newports, a dollar bill, a dime, and a foil-wrapped condom. Somewhere there might be a wounded man, fending for a cigarette and having unprotected sex, who can’t afford anything from the Taco Bell dollar menu.

A man wielding a 3-foot-long (read: big) stick threatened a woman and her friend on Lenox Street on April 16, saying, “I’m going to fuck you up.” The police report didn’t mention whether he was walking softly or not.

A man called officers “faggots” and told one of them to, “[s]hut your fucking mouth,” in front of a bunch of children and the elderly gathered by a Romney Street church on April 14. Talk about your “Good Friday”!