The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

A man carrying something under his arm excused himself out the front door of a downtown inn on May 15, saying, “Maintenance, maintenance. No worries!” A few minutes later, a clerk at the inn discovered that a Dell computer monitor and keyboard, valued at $300, were missing from an office that was supposed to be locked. Three hundred dollars for a Dell? That’s a steal! (Exactly.)

Angry Ex-Boyfriend Nickname O’The Week: “Booty”

Police arrested a man at a downtown grocery store with the following items hidden in his clothes: five Reach toothbrushes, four bottles of Crest toothpaste, four bottles AXE body spray, four bottles of Tone body wash, and four bottles of AXE shower gel. Had it not been for an observant grocery clerk, the man would have made a “clean” getaway.

Blotter prophecy-Fulfilling Threat O’The Week: “I’ll give you something to call the police about.”

A man intervened on four white males preparing to fight a lone black man outside a Market-area bar in the wee hours of May 12, only to have the foursome turn on him, call him a “nigger lover,” and pound on him enough that he needed seven stitches in his head. On a happy note, someday those four men will burn in hell.

On May 14, a West Ashley man told police that two men trying to buy his gold chain from around his neck lured him into their car under the pretense of having to go to a nearby ATM to get his money. The man said when the car got to a corner in the Maryville neighborhood, one of the two men sprayed him in the face with an “unknown substance” while the other successfully snatched his $800 dookie chain and drove off.

Blotter Question O’The Week: “What the fuck were you doing calling my man?”