The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

A young female suspect was accused of stealing two Last Supper God rings ($500), a 2004 class ring from West Ashley High ($250), and a Jesus pendant and bracelet ($950). The suspect sent a text message to the victim, her boyfriend, saying she had pawned the jewelry to get money to buy a car. Her message: “You fuck with me, so I’m going to fuck with you.” Jesus saves? No, Jesus pays.

When an officer approached a young female subject who wouldn’t pick up the trash from her fireworks and requested her name, she replied “Monica Lewinsky.” When he tried to secure her hands, she then tried to kick the officer in the groin, but missed and hit him in the knee. She was then put under arrest for assaulting an officer, at which point her boyfriend — we’ll call him Billy — yelled, “No one is taking my girlfriend!”

Last week, a desk attendant at a hotel on Bee Street received approximately 50 unsolicited phone calls over the course of four hours. Each time, the unknown caller would blare rock music into the phone until she hung up. Unfortunately, no word on whether the culprit preferred Journey or Metallica.

A male complainant contacted the police after a series of four harassing phone calls. The caller’s schtick: “What are you wearing?” and nothing more.

A male suspect was apprehended at a Meeting Street supermarket after he stuffed one package each of ham, ham sauce, and Oreos down his pants and attempted to leave without paying. After a brief struggle between the suspect and the grocer, the merchandise — valued at $8.16 — was returned to the store. Man, but nothing beats the ham sauce and Oreo combo.