On March 8, a downtown man in his thirties realized a package addressed to him had been opened and the contents stolen. Inside the box? Three Stray Cats CDs, worth $29. Although we here at the City Paper suspect another ordered item may have included a guide to losing one’s virginity.

Blotter Excuse for Trespassing O’ The Week: “I was just coming from my auntie’s house.”

A man walking his dog in Brittlebank Park on March 10 noticed another man urinating with his penis in plain view of children on a playground. When approached about his indiscretion, the pee-happy dude said, “If you would have been here one minute earlier, I would have done it in your mouth.”

Blotter Unnecessary Statement to a Cop O’ The Week: “That ain’t nothin’ but some cocaine.”

Two men entered a West Ashley discount store on March 11, and using Strike-A-Fire fire starters and a can of butane fuel, started a small blaze in the sporting goods section of the store. The fire ignited three floor tiles and caused $100 in damage. Damn The Prodigy and their suggestive lyrics!

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.