The Things They Shoplifted: Eye drops, lingerie, perfume, 72 condoms, and 314 gallons of diesel fuel.

A man told officers his name was Nathan when they knocked on his door. Later, he told them it was another name entirely. When an officer pointed out that he was changing his story, he said, “Naw, I told you Nathan ’cause I didn’t know what be going on.”

When an officer touched a shooting suspect’s arm, he threw himself on the ground and began yelling to bystanders that the cop had injured his ankle. While on the sidewalk, he whipped out his phone and called both 911 and his lawyer. Who needs ambulance chasers when you’ve got a cell phone?

Crack Cocaine Hiding Place O’ The Week: A coffee mug.

More Bad News: A girl who was borrowing her mother’s car had a breakdown at a gas station and left the car there. Her mother fell ill soon afterward, and the family spent two weeks visiting her in the hospital. When the mother had convalesced, she returned to the gas station and found that her car had been stolen.

A man leaned out the passenger door of a truck and yelled at a man on the sidewalk, “Move out of the road, you fat ass!” A cop took notice, saw that the truck’s tags were expired, and pulled the truck over. In the end, the shotgun-seat road warrior was arrested for disorderly conduct and for having Oxycodone without a prescription. Chalk one up for pedestrians.

When police asked a drunken man with vomit on his shirt why he was trying to open the back door of a closed business, he said, “I own this building.” No word on whether the puke was his own.

A night-shift clerk at a convenience store decided to take a nap in the back room. While she was dozing, an opportunist took a five-finger discount on a bottle of wine, a 12-pack of beer, an energy drink, an apple, and a banana.

At a traffic stop, an officer smelled alcohol on a man’s breath and asked him if he had any open containers of alcohol in the car. His response? “No open containers, but I have some blow in the cup holder.” He wasn’t lying.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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