Blotter of the Week: Somebody stole two air horns, a Duck Dynasty T-shirt, and some cable from a store. What would Si have to say about this?

An officer stopped a man who was trespassing in a park after dark. While they were speaking, the cop spotted a marijuana joint in the man’s shirt pocket. Dude needs a pocket protector.

A gas station convenience store employee realized one afternoon that someone had stolen about 100 cigarette lighters from a display rack. The thief must’ve used some smoke and mirrors to pull it off.

Police found a man sitting on a street curb at 10 a.m. heating bath salts on a spoon.

Somebody stole all four 17-inch wheels and tires from a man’s truck and replaced them with 16-inch wheels and tires.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: A loaded pistol, a leather messenger bag, an iPad, two CD players, an in-car mounted TV screen, a GPS unit, a laptop computer, two 12-inch speakers, two 15-inch speakers, a Boss stereo capacitor, an amplifier, a license plate, and $6.69 worth of loose change.

A man told police that four men cornered him outside a convenience store, slapped him in the face, stole three grams of marijuana from him, and burned a handkerchief that he was keeping in his pocket. While they were burning the handkerchief, they videotaped him and made him say, “Fuck G-Unit.”

A man walked into a restaurant, asked for a spoon, and then went into the bathroom to shoot up narcotics with it.

A man tried to run out of a store with his shopping cart loaded down with two packages of crab meat, two packages of paper towels, and six 18-packs of beer. Sounds like his eyes were bigger than his liver.

A man told bank employees that someone had stolen a $30 purple gemstone from his safety deposit box, but he was the only person who had a key to it. He said he had originally found the gemstone inside a fish tank in an abandoned house.

Somebody scratched the words “BIT ASS” in the rear window of an elementary school teacher’s car while it was parked in the school lot.

Computer Scam o’ the Week: A man told police that when he logged onto his computer, a screen popped up claiming to be from the Internet Crime Complaint Center Department of the FBI. The screen stated that child pornography had been viewed on the computer and that he had 72 hours to click on a button labeled “Green Dot Money Pak” and pay a fine to remove a criminal charge.

Fail o’ the Week: A woman told police that her “male companion” left her vehicle unlocked overnight with the key in the center console. When she went outside in the morning, she discovered that the car was missing.

A man tried to steal 15 bottles of body wash from a drug store by stashing them in his backpack. Cleanliness might be next to godliness, but shoplifting is far from it.

Somebody stole a biker’s helmet and gloves while he was at a bar. We hate to stereotype, but this was probably a bad idea.

NightLife Quote o’ the Week: “You want me to tell you I’m drunk? OK, I’ve had a lot to drink!”

After police pulled a man over for driving his van erratically and almost hitting people on a sidewalk, the driver told police he had “a sack of marijuana in the green canvas bag.” The bag he referred to actually contained 80 grams of weed, a digital scale, and eight pill bottles containing lorazapam, amlodipine, venlafaxine, clonazapam, diazapam, alprazolam, and three unidentified pills.

After arriving at the scene of an overturned vehicle, police found the driver in the woods. He was shirtless, shoeless, and covered in blood.