Blotter o’ the Week: Police found a man spinning around in circles in the woods while holding a four-inch knife and talking to himself. He had gold spray-paint all over his mouth, face, hands, clothes, arms, and feet. As the officers escorted the man out of the woods, he explained that he hadn’t been huffing paint, but that he sprays the paint on a rag and puts it on his mouth. According to the incident report, he went on to say that “When the devil worshipers come after him and try to orally sexually assault him, the paint gets on their genitals, and he can use that information to prosecute them.”

Yes-Man o’ the Week: An officer stopped a man who was staggering down the sidewalk and asked him where he was headed, to which the man replied, “Yes.” When the cop asked the man where he lived, he again replied, “Yes.”

After drifting into the wrong lane and nearly hitting a police car head-on, a driver swerved and stopped on the shoulder of the road. When the police officer stopped, looked into the vehicle, and told the driver to put the car in park, the driver said, “My friends and I are fine. Nothing’s wrong with us. I’ve done what you’ve asked me to do.” There was no one else in the vehicle.

According to an apartment complex maintenance worker, a resident asked to have his locks changed and then flipped out when he got home and realized his old key didn’t work. An officer responded to a call about a disturbance at the house, checked with the maintenance worker, and delivered the man his new key. But instead of laughing off the situation, the man smashed his cell phone on the ground and shouted, “Take me to fucking jail, man. I don’t care, run me over.”

Unlikely Excuse o’ the Week: When a man returned to his vehicle and found a stranger in the driver’s seat messing with his GPS unit and iPad, the stranger said he had just returned from his chiropractor’s office and mistakenly thought it was his own car.

While cleaning up along a roadway, a woman found a 9-mm handgun stuck in the mud near the Ashley River.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: A license plate, two pistols, $3,000 in cash, three debit cards, six credit cards, a purse, two wallets, a phone charger, a makeup kit, two checks, a checkbook, and an armrest.

In an argument about gardening, a man stepped out on his porch wielding a knife and a golf club and said, “I will stick you with this knife and knock your head off with this club.”

A man says he was rear-ended by a Porsche, causing him to run into the vehicle in front of him. The drivers both in front of and behind him fled the scene, leaving him in the middle of a responsibility-shirking sandwich.

A woman got in her car and drove for a few blocks, at which point she “heard and felt strange sounds coming from her vehicle.” She was driving with a car boot on her right rear tire.

A man flagged down a cop around 3 a.m. to say that someone had just punched him in the face. When the officer asked for a description of the person who hit him, the man replied, “I see how it is. You are slick, man,” and walked away.

A regular customer at a fast food restaurant walked up to an employee, asked how much money was in the store, and said, “I’ll send my boys in here and rob y’all.” When the employee told him to “Quit playing,” the customer replied, “I ain’t playin’.” Later, the customer said he was “just kidding,” but that if it happens, the employee had better hope she isn’t working.

Cop Dis o’ the Week: After a police officer escorted a man’s friend out of a bar for bringing in his own bottle of wine to drink, the man walked up to the officer, cursed him out, and said, “You’re a real cool dude for doing this. This make you feel good?”

All-Time Low o’ the Week: Police found a woman lying in the middle of the road beside her vehicle with a half-empty bottle of vodka beside her. It was 3:20 in the afternoon.

A man who was being arrested for driving under the influence told police that he had been drinking to celebrate the completion of his band’s new album.

Appealing to lofty patriotic ideals in defense of idiotic behavior, a man got in a fight with a bar bouncer and said, “This is America. I can stand wherever the fuck I want, you can’t make me leave.”

A woman walked outside one morning and realized that someone had left a four-pack of mandarin orange fruit cups on the roof of her car. She was also missing a revolver from inside her car’s center console. Even Stevens?